Here on Cape Cod, my radio listening options are fairly limited. We have about four or five stations that come in, and since anything you want to do on this hook-shaped island is a minimum ten minute drive in any direction, listening to the radio has become sort of a necessity.
We have a pop/Top 40 station that plays all the "hits" from like, 2002 (ie, that one P!nk song about coming out, nothing current), a classic rock station that's pretty much like any other classic rock station you would find anywhere else in America, NPR, and two alternative rock stations, one out of Boston and the other out of Providence.
So listening to these stations, I tend to hear the same five or so acts at least once a day. This has prompted me to write this article on why these bands should be taken off the air - just for a little while at least.
1. Sublime: Back in the mid-1990s "What I Got" was a summertime-sensation. Every where you went, you could instantly set a friendly, outdoorsy BBQ vibe. But this was 15 years ago, and still, every day, this song gets radio airplay. Shit, the fucking lead singer? He's been fucking DEAD since 1996! The band hasn't released any new material since (the two surviving members have gone on to start some ska-reggae band-thing) and continues to coast off of their self-titled third album. Radio, please let Mr. Bradley Nowell rest in peace, because if I hear the opening cords to "Wrong Way" one more time, I'm going to bite someone in the face.
2. Nirvana: Another tragic ending to what could have been one of the greatest rock bands of all times, but again, the motherfucker died like 20 years ago! And honestly? Now that I think of it? Their songs were mediocre at best when you could understand what Kurt Cobain was saying! You know why Kurt killed himself? He was afraid of becoming this corporate entity by "selling out" and becoming a millionaire from his art. So... thanks for keeping the dead man's fear alive, radio. I mean, really, is it necessary to play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" every day at 12:03, at the start of the "classic alternative lunch hour?" No, it's not. How about playing more of that other successful Nirvana spin-off, the Foo Fighters?
3. Alice in Chains: Every song AIC has ever done is either about heroin or heroin addiction. Every one of their songs remind me of how bitter and disgusting Seattle is, how morose the 90's were, and how much I hate seeing plaid shirts on skinny twerps. The only people who listen to Alice in Chains are dudes in their 40s who work at dying, locally owned record stores. And aren't nearly all the members of AIC dead anyway? ...From heroin overdoses? Or was that only some of them?
4. Dave Mathews Band: I dare someone to point out a more overrated act in music today. I hear fucking "What Would You Say" at least once a day, on any given radio station (even the classic rock one) but it feels like nine times a day. And you know what's even worse than DMB? Their rabid fans who will argue to the death about how awesome this band is. DMB is exactly what the Grateful Dead were: terrible, but fans will only recognize this once they come off their salvia or lose their juggling sticks on the roof. DMB fans: grow up a little, wash your faces, and buy a neck tie. Woodstock is over.
5. The Fray: Admittedly, their cover of Kanye West's "Heartless" was good enough to wind up in my iTunes, but the rest of this band's mumbling catalog should be shelved in the bottom of the Fukishima reactor and buried under 50 tons of concrete. I only hear this band's one song (the name I can't remember) every time I key over to the Top 40 station, but it's always playing. That one song where you wish the dude singing would just speak up and use his big boy voice for five minutes? That song. How can anyone think an act is talented if they can't fucking HEAR what's being sung in the song? How did you get a contract, sir? Who did you convince to sign over millions of dollars in royalties to your warbling, Shy Ronnie voice? Please, point him out so I can take out his knees with a cricket bat.
Any acts I missed? Please let me know in the comments below.
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