Husband of The Year (Or, How I Ended Up in NJ)

I do a lot of pretty rad stuff as a married man, and most of it is for my wife.  And while I quietly self-congratulate, this feat, I feel, deserves some attention.

Last weekend my wife was off visiting friends and family in New Orleans, leaving me behind to pet- and house-sit.  I didn't mind.  Manweekend, what I was calling it; I did very little except run, eat wasabi peas and banana chips, drink a Guinness or two, and play Xbox.

You might've noticed that "showering" was not on that list.

Regardless, my wife was due back in New England by Monday afternoon.  When the appointed time came, I made my way up to Boston's Logan Airport, to (do what any good husband who doesn't want to find his balls chopped off in the middle of the night does) pick up his travel weary wife.

Only, ... I was a bit early.  And.  My wife's connecting flight from Newark, NJ had been canceled.

For this very reason, I always opt for direct flights.  I hate having to de-plane, hustle across to a different terminal, hope to god my checked luggage (if I was stupid enough to check any of it) makes the connection with me, to queue up to board what is essentially the same plane all over again, with the same obnoxious passengers.

As much as I enjoy the idea of flying from place to place (it's convenient, fast, makes me feel like a spy sometimes) the people have essentially ruined the experience, from a personal and security standpoint. 

No longer do you see men and women dressed up to fly someplace.  If anything, you see people in sweats and flip-flops.  "I want to be comfortable," is generally the complaint.  "I don't want to have to strip at security" comes the other end of it. 

Can't say I blame them, as I shuffle thru a metal detector, holding my pants up in one hand, my shoes in another like a village idiot.

So, back to the story, my wife's flight from Newark to Boston had been canceled.  She was on "standby status" til about 1pm, when she MIGHT get a flight from there.

My beef was ... Newark is a hub... meaning, there's a ton of flights leaving Newark, all day.... going in all directions, to every other major hub in the country (Boston included).  Why in the blue fuck was there a four hour wait for another Boston-bound flight?

And the flight wasn't even GUARANTEED!  Her only guaranteed flight status was for a flight departing Newark at 9pm... a full 12 hours away.

There was no fucking way I was about to let me wife sit in New Jersey for that long, lest she be mutated into a Snooki.

The request came quickly, via text message: "Will you come and get me."  And honestly, I made my decision with the same raised pulse I would have if she asked me to pick up some bread on the way home.  It was a natural conclusion for me to make.

To be sure, I texted back: "You want me to drive to NJ to come and get you?"  And she said "Yes please."

And just like that, I was off.  I had everything I needed: a full tank in the Prius, GPS, full charge on my phone, gun, money.... I made my way to pull out of the short-term parking lot.

"Didn't you just get here?"  Said the attendant when she read my ticket.  I explained the situation in as few words as possible, making sure to mention I was driving all the way to New Jersey to pick up my tiny wife.  The woman in the booth sigh and flipped a switch.  The gate in front of me lifted.

"Get out of here," she said, and failed to charge me the $3 minimum.

I was fortunate that I was getting on the road at a time when there was virtually no traffic; Rt 90W was empty and I was making excellent time thru Conn. as well.  I was being filled with these long-lost memories of making this same drive to Brooklyn and Queens years ago.  Everything was bathed in this weird sort of trans-dimensional glow.

I pulled off at a highway rest area to pee and top off the tank (I didn't want to imagine a scenario where I'd have to look for a gas station in The Bronx).  This was one of those McDonald's/Mobile/Chintzy Souvenir places that require an American to ask for an interpreter to facilitate any sort of commerce. 

In the parking lot, I watched two 11 year olds punch the living Bejesus out of each other, over only what I could imagine was the last McNugget.  And I mean, they weren't just "rasslin" like brothers, but actually throwing (and landing in some cases) real-deal, closed fisted blows to each other's face.

It was pretty intense. 

No one was breaking them up, just a ring of adults looking on, perhaps making bets or egging them on in a crude parking lot gladiatorial spectacle.

Back on the road, Ang and I stayed in pretty much hourly contact, giving each other sit-reps.  According to the GPS, I'd be arriving at Newark around 245pm.

The GPS, however, failed to account for the massive parking lot taking form at the GWB approach.

For those of you who are not familiar with the greater NYC area, the George Washington Bridge is one of the few connectors between the city and Northern NJ.  I had never traveled this far into the city before, on my own (I usually took the Whitestone on to the LIE, or Long Island Expressway, into College Point, Qns).  I had no idea I'd be stuck on the GWB for over an hour....

Relaying this info to my wife, who by now was tired, cranky and scared, did nothing to alleviate the growing tension.  I took the time to ask her to find out exactly where she was in the airport (terminal wise) to facilitate a quicker pick up.

Once I squirted thru the GWB, I was only maybe ten minutes from the airport.  I called again, asking for a terminal.

"They don't have terminals here... I'm at international arrivals...."

I should point out here, too, that my wife might have been delusional from eating New Jersey Airport Sushi for lunch.  ....No one has ever accused my wife of being a savvy traveler.

On my approach to the airport, I saw signs for different terminals.  A, B, C airlines were at Terminal A, X, Y, Z airlines were at Terminal B.... international flights were at Terminal C.... ok, I thought.... she must be at Terminal C....

Or one would think.

It would take us a solid 15 minutes to find each other, due to frustration and miscommunications.  During that time, I got yelled at by the cops (twice by the same guy, who was looking more and more mad everytime I made another lap.  But then again, if I were a cop in NJ, I'd probably want to kill myself too), cut off by some arab in a gypsy cab, and nearly ran over a family of Indians with more luggage than pounds in Kim Kardashian's left ass cheek.

Finally, we figured out where each other were, and I made my approach.  I could see my bride, in her sweats and tank top and flip-flops, clutching her duffel bag, looking beat but happy.  I pulled to the curb and eyed another cop making his way towards me.

I hopped out of the Prius, helped her with her bag and for the first time in about seven years, said: "Lets get the fuck out of Jersey...."

We had 6 hours of driving ahead of us.  For being apart for a whole weekend, I didn't mind.

Gov't 101: Why Our Children are Failing History

I was watching NBC's Nightly News last night and they ran this story about how elementry and high school kids were increasingly becoming dumber (my words, not theirs) when it comes to the subject of History, particularly US History.

As a History-minor, I'm not all that surprised.  Saddened, but not surprised. While I was going thru school, earning that end of my minor I was increasingly finding other students who's concept of US History was "loose" at best.  Here's why are current crop of America's Next Leaders are sucking at History:

First, there's too much emphasis on Tested Subjects:

It's no secret, ask anyone who teaches grades 1-12 in a public school setting: all the focus is on getting kids to pass the state-mandated tests to ensure teachers are doing their jobs.  Whole curriculum is overhauled at grades 4, 8 and 12 to meet the so-called "standards" for public school students.  This curriculum is usually heavy in reading and mathematics, because that's what's expected to appear on the tests.  So is there any surprise that subjects like art, history, and science all take a back seat to a teacher's personal career self-preservation?  This leads us to number 2....

Kids are getting less than 2 hours a week of history lessons.

To make room for all the writing, reading and math lessons (I've heard reports that some schools actually double-up on these subjects... 75 minute periods oppose to 40 minute classes for these subjects ONLY) other classes get cut back.  Why?  There's the emphasis on the "important" test subjects but kids in public schools are usually woefully behind for their grade level in reading, writing and math, so teachers, say in 8th grade, need to go back and re-teach fundamentals to their kids so they can teach them the current state-mandated curriculum.  Why is this so?  Why aren't kids in public schools learning the fundamentals of these subjects when their taught, at the earlier grades?  Because.....

Public schools suck.

Yes, I went to a public school and it was ok, but it also wasn't in a major city.  I lived in NYC for about three years and I can tell you first hand, none of the parents I knew dared put their kid in public schools.  Public schools are toilets of learning.  Yes, few children will rise to the top of the bowl, but most of the kids there are sinkers waiting to be flushed.  So is it any wonder that our children cannot rightfully identify a photo of Abraham Lincoln by grade 8 (a fact brought up in the Nightly News story)?

Why History is important:

Teaching History to kids is important because it gives us a frame work for our national identity.  How "we" became the United States is an important aspect to every day living.  History also helps shape who we will be as we get older, how we'll vote, shop, travel, etc.  Understanding where we've been as a nation is important because without it, we will not know how to go forward as one.

History, our history, is a blueprint to building our future ruins.  And we're losing our grasp on our identity.

By the end of the story, I was left with this empty feeling.  I knew that the story skewed towards scandalous sensationalism; the public school avenue- and wasn't a true representation of our children's ability to comprehend our history, and like all people, children fall into one of two categories: math/science kids and language/history kids.  Maybe the producers interviewed every kid in the classroom and only used the results on-air from the kids who are math/science proficient?  It's possible.

But still heartbreaking none-the-less.

Dude, No One Wants to See Your Dick

By now everyone's heard of "Weinergate" the New York US Representative Anthony Weiner's elicit picture of his dong he tweeted to numerous (or at least one) of his followers.  This opened up a flood gate of other women coming forward to claim that Rep. Weiner had "inappropriate" online relationships with them as well, all to the merriment of cable news anchors everywhere.

So, as all this "news" unraveled throughout the week, it brought to mind this question:  What woman wants to see a dude's dick? 

I mean, beyond I guess, curiosity?  Like, do women LIKE to see dude's dicks?  Is it like for men, when we want to see boobs?  I'll go out on a limb and say "no, chicks do not like to see penises."

Dicks are gross... they're not designed to be fawned over or marveled at.  They do not represent anything beautiful about the body because they're designed along a utilitarian purpose: to work and work well. 

Sure, dicks come in all shapes and sizes and there's probably some sort of level of fascination amongst women as to what someone's dick MIGHT look like, but I don't think many women get "turned on" by the sight of a cock.  I bet it's quite the opposite; women are likely turned OFF by a giant, throbbing tube of meat.

The penis can be intimidating, fearsome even.  I think maybe some women have a healthy fear of the dick or maybe, secretly hate it.

So this begs to mind, why would a man send a woman a picture of his wangus?  What would possess a clear-thinking gentleman to reach down the front of his trousers, pull out his semi-engorged member with one hand, and try to frame an artistic picture with his cell phone in the other?  Why?

Do men think women like to see a wrinkly, lint-strewn meat dagger with a few sparse hairs clinging around it's base?  Maybe men get off on this sort of behavior?  Apparently Anthony Weiner does.

And I'm not judging... whatever man, do you.  But seriously, no one wants to see your dick.  No one wants to see anyone's dick, period.

So fellas, guys: please, keep your penises in your pants.... unless it's for comedic purposes, ala Jason Segel in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" which was hilarious.  Or the old "oh, I got gum on my new jeans" and you turn around and you're pulling your sac through your zipper hole and make everyone look at your tired-looking, stretched out balls.  That's always a good time.

And on the subject of balls, no one's balls are even remotely attractive.  Phrase I will NEVER overhear in a queue at Starbucks: "Oh, and Mary, his balls.... my god, his balls, were just... PERFECT."

No, balls are .... anything but perfect, ladies and gentlemen and we all know it.  Those guys need to just stay right where they are, mooshed up against someone's (preferably their owner's) thigh, in a dense fog of sweat and ass fumes.

How to Leave a Comment on a Website

One of my favorite things to do is read the comments following a news story on the local paper's website.  What you get in just a few comments relates directly to the intellectual pulse of your neighbors, or at least those who have enough free time to browse and then comment on a news story.  Hell, some of them even have enough time to build up little profiles and avatars, am I right?

Ah, the joys of rampant unemployment.

But I've noticed in my wanderings that there's no real protocol for commenting.  So I thought I'd do everyone a service and give some tips on how to properly leave a comment on a website.

1.  Throw out everything you know about spelling, grammar, and sentence structure:

Yup, this is the 21st century Hoss, those "rules" you learned in school way back when don't count for shit in this future age of technology.  In fact, try to use as many obscure abbreviations as possible as well.  Leave periods hanging in some "no-man's land"; a space between the last letter in a word and the first letter in the next word.  Be a maverick, go rogue... that's how people will know you mean business.

You don't have time to play by the rules, you run it loose.  And people will respect you for it.


2.  Make sure You capitalize random Words so they Stand out.

You may have thought you heard of proper nouns, but that's just some bullshit teachers want you to carry around in your brain-case, instead of important stuff like which screws go into what type of material or what the sound of a Big Block 454 sounds like a quarter mile away. 

To you, every word is important, but by capitalizing those "extra" important words will really make your point extra valid.

3.  Get all your thoughts out in one giant block of text.

Fuck indents, or even spacing shit out into easy to read, and comprehensive topic-driven paragraphs, that shit's for pussies and cross dressers.  You want a monolith of your words to convey your supreme opinion, a lasting monument of your hard work and thoughtfulness. 

Nothing gets my intellectual panties wet like seeing an 8" x 8" hunk of words haphazardly mashed together to form some sort of rambling, barely coherent train of thought.  NOTHING.




4.  Get angry and make threats when someone challenges your opinion and enter a days-long "flame war" to defend your POV:

Some people might get jealous of your obvious command of a given topic, regardless of how little you actually know of the situation.  These people might even be so bold to call you out.  They might use words like "troll" or "idiot" or "ignoramus" or "jackass" or "racist fuckface" or "closet homosexual" or "George W. Bush" and tell you to "stay retired," and you don't have to take that, not from them, not from anyone.

Where do they get off?  They must feel high and mighty sitting behind their computers at home, sniping at your wisdom from a far.... be sure to dare them to "meet anytime, anywhere" to settle things in person.  Do this often to maintain your dominance.

5.  Never research a topic before commenting:

This should be number one, actually.  You need to let your passions guide you, not "compassions."  Don't hesitate for a second before laying it all out there.  If you think President Obama was really born in Africa, don't fall for what some consider to be "conventional wisdom," just look at his skin!  If you think Sarah Palin is the Second Coming, then by all means, TELL US, AND TELL US AT LENGTH.

Hell, don't even read the story you're commenting on.  Just GET IT OUT THERE.

Follow these tools and I guarantee you'll be the talk of the forum boards. 

Head in The Clouds

Later today, Apple will announce it's latest entry into the already crowded field of "cloud music" players, by releasing iCloud. 

iCloud, like all "over-the-internet" music services will allow it's user to keep a constantly updated cache of their personal music with them at all times, negating the need to sync devices with your computer or phones or iPods.

While this seems incredibly convenient, especially if you're one who downloads a ton of music all the time across many different devices, there's going to be drawbacks.  Let's discuss the pros and cons:

iCloud Pro: Never sync a device again.

Like I was just mentioning, if you're the type of person who hears a song over the speakers at TJ Maxx and then instantly grab your phone to Shazam-it and the click the "download" button without even thinking about it (your credit card statement literally says "iTunes" every other line), iCloud is definitely for you.  Isn't it a huge pain in the ass to grab your phone or other MP3 player to head out to go run or go to the gym, whatever, and you realized you forgot to sync it with your computer, so half of those new songs you downloaded last night are still sitting on your computer's harddrive.  So you can either go back inside, sync (which takes a while) and then get back to life, or you can go without.  No more with iCloud.  As soon as you download a song, it's ready on your phone, iPad, iPod, whatever, whereever, whenever.

iCloud Pro: No more concerns about storage.

Again, if you're downloading so much music that you're constantly blowing out the space on your device, the cloud will take care of that for you.  No more physical files to bog down your device or making you chose which songs or media are most important to you.  You carry everything with you all the time, no matter where you are.

iCloud Con: iCould only works if you have a signal.

What's great about carrying digital files?  You can listen to them independently from your 3G or wifi signal.  Get on to a subway or live out in the sticks (I have almost no 3G signal at my house for instance) your iPhone becomes an iPod.  If all your music is on iCloud however, this could be a problem.

iCloud Con: Apple's Cloudy History.

Theoretically, as long as you have "some" sort of signal, you should be good, but honestly, I have iDisk and MobileMe, and I've seen sort of spotty service with syncing my devices in the past.  I'll get doubles in my iCal or dates and times will be off, or won't show up at all.  Email will sometimes not send or receive for explained amounts of time, only to fire off some long ago written emails again months later.  Do you want to run the risk of paying for music and not having it show up on a particular device for months?  Or just disappearing all together?  Or doubling itself?

iCloud Con: It's not really YOUR media.

But Apple will be quick to point out that it never was in the first place.  But with the Cloud, you're more "renting" the music than "owning" it.  At least with the old fashioned downloading of files, you can physically "see" those files, store them on a portable hard drive and if something happens to your computer, you can just upload them from your secondary device.  With iCloud, the same is true but there's something about being able to physically have the files on hand.  And I've yet to hear word on if it'll be allowed to "burn" files to CDs.... if anyone still does that.

Analysis:

I'm not entirely sold on iCloud..... call me old fashioned but I like having my files on hand, independent of 3G or wifi.  I like to "own" my files, not essentially "rent" them, especially if I'm going to be paying for them.  But that's just me.

US Gov't 101: Sarah Palin is Wasting Our Time and Her Money

You'd have to be living under a rock, or some rural part of Arkansas, not to have caught the media maelstrom this past week concerning a certain former-governor / Budweiser model / current-Fox News Network puppet touring the country in a giant bus, stopping in each town only long enough to make a spectacle of herself and family.

Sarah Palin, media cocktease that she is, won't tell anyone (at least anyone outside of her snow mobile circle) one way or another if she's going to make a run at the presidency in 2012... she just keeps teasing it out as if it were her hair, and we're all downstairs in her living room waiting to take her out for pizza and roller skating on a Friday night in 1984.

In essence, with her [something-something historically blasphemous-and-incorrect and un-ironically-themed] "tour" she's spending gobs of cash (tour bus tour across the continental US, in the summertime, with gas prices at $4/gal) to see if it's worth her spending gobs of cash to run for president.

Sounds like perfect economic judgement to me, let's just hand her the nation's checkbook right now and save ourselves the wait for the inevitable breadlines....

I don't mean to jump on a hater's bandwagon, and I'm sure the majority of people who read this blog are fairly left leaning, so I'm preaching to the choir, but if you have any doubt in your mind, let me reaffirm it:

Sarah Palin is a terrible person politician.

You know the story of Alice in Wonderland, right?  Remember the Queen of Hearts, the central antagonist?  If elected to the presidency, that's the sort of world we would be living in with Palin in the White House: a world of confusion, anarchy and tea parties.

Sarah Palin is a brand; a sensationalistic attention-whore who is all packaging and zero substance.  She's the McDonald's across the plaza from the Whole Foods, the $4 cereal with the cartoon character on the front of the box next to the same goddamn cereal in the plain box going for half the price.  I'm sure she would look great giving State of the Union addresses in a tight t shirt and spandex yoga pants while doing calf raises with her back to everyone, but that's it.  That's all she is: push-up bras, make-up and cue cards, nothing else.

She's essentially a living, breathing Facebook page.

Sarah Palin is a house built of playing cards... she looks pretty and might impress a few people who don't know any better, but she will crumble at the slightest provocation - need I find the clip of Katie Couric asking her such hardball questions like "what newspapers do you like to read?"?

Tiny Fey's send-up of Palin on SNL is a far better choice to elect as president than the real Sarah Palin.

So, when the day inevitably comes and it's a surprise to absolutely no one that she decides to run for president in 2012, please just keep some of what I'm saying in mind:

We had eight years of ineptitude in the White House, do you want, for a second, to go back to that?

Do you want your father tuning in to the nightly news only to store up his mental "spank bank" for later?

Do you want to elect someone to the Office of the President of the United States who has no real grasp or concept of both US History OR NY-style pizza?

If you've answered "no" to any of these questions, then please, for the love of god, stop paying Sarah "Look at Me, America!" Palin any attention.

Optimistic 80's

I've had this song stuck in my head for the last few days, yet everywhere I go, whether it's TJ Maxx or doing errands in my truck, it's been playing.

If only Howard Jones knew how the future would play out....

Buck Up, Grads

It seems like for the last few years around late spring/early summer, a slew of media put out stories describing what a bleak job market is lined up for recent or soon-to-be college graduates.  Since about 2005 (coincidentally when I graduated with my BA) television, newspapers, websites, etc have painted this picture of pessimism for the future leaders of the country.

"There's no jobs!"

"These fertile young minds will be forced back into a world of retail!"

"Isn't there anything we can do!"

Yeah, you can shut the fuck up.

Look grads, let me sit you down for a second and explain how the world works:  When you graduate college, no one expects you to have a "career" lined up.  And I'm defining "career" in traditional terms, like a job you're going to work five days a week for the next 20 to 25 years, receive benefits, etc.  Some of you may find "jobs" which are gigs you'll work for 2-5 years before you come to some sort of epiphany while seated at your tiny desk in a cube farm and realize this is not what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, and have a quarter-life crisis as a result.

No grads, most of you.... dare I say 80-90% of you, will move back in with mom and dad and spend the summer "looking for jobs" which will inevitably bleed over into the fall.  You'll be shell-shocked to find yourself still unemployed at a time when you, for the last nearly 20 years, have been your most productive.

One of two things will happen: you'll either go on unemployment and fall into deep depression, or you'll settle for that job listing on Craigslist and fall into deep depression when you realize there's no way for you to get your own place, pay all your mounting bills (mom and dad are going to cut off your cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, gas money, etc) and maintain that comfy social life all on a $10/hr "job."

To compound things, your $100K four year degree, you learn, doesn't mean shit in the real world... all the "careers" you apply for, touting your newly minted bachelors, you find, are being filled internally by guys with only "some college experience" who went to work for the company the moment they left high school, four years ago.

It's all about who you know and experience, sadly.  No one hires a 22 year old kid straight out of college, with his degree, who knows nothing about how the company works.  This has ALWAYS been the case.

So what do you do?  Do you roll your diploma up and smoke that cheap skunk weed you're forced to now buy?  Do you go eat a barrel at 1 am in the Kmart's parking lot?

No.  You buck the fuck up.

It gets better, you just have to give it time.  EVERYONE, except maybe for a privileged few, is going through the same thing you're going thru.

When I graduated college in '05 I only had a few options lined up, and they all fell thru within weeks of each other.  I was forced to pack my shit and move back home, which was soul crushing.  It's taken me nearly five years of hard work in various avenues to land someplace (just now) that's putting my degree to work.  And even then, it was a host of other experiences that really put me over the top.

So my advice to recent grads entering our so-called "job market": wait it out.  Every guy you see working today, in some way, shape or form, has gone through what you're going to be going through and their better for it.  You're like, 21, 22.... enjoy being young and free, without adult obligations.  Even kids who graduated from places like Harvard, Yale and Vassar tend to couch it out for a while and take "jobs" they don't really want to take, just to survive.

You're no where near rock bottom, trust me.  It's not you're turning tricks on Craigstlist.  Yet.