Five Reasons Why Joe Buck is The Worst Human Being, Alive

My deep, deep hatred for FOX Sportscaster Joe Buck is like an abyss in my soul.  It's just this bottomless, cold pit.  Ever since I became exposed to his lackluster, often incorrect play-by-play analysis in the early 2000's my sense of hatred for the man has been in lockstep with his growing career. 

Here now, are some reasons why I hate him.

1. He's the poster boy for nepotism:  Joe Buck's dad, Jack Buck, was/is(?) a sportscaster for the St. Louis Cardinals since the 1960s.  In 1991, son Joe started doing minor league play-by-play, which I guess, is fine.  But in just four short years, the younger Buck was thrust on to the national stage, becoming ESPN's and probably the world's youngest sportscaster to call a nationally televised, pro-sport game.  There are guys with twice the experience, and twice the talent who've been fighting in the network trenches for YEARS who would slit their father's throats for a chance to call a nationally televised game, and Joe Buck just calls it in.

2.  I'm convinced Joe Buck is an alien or a robot:  For being someone who's been in the "biz" for the last twenty years, Joe Buck is woefully ignorant of some pretty basic sports facts.  To me, Buck seems like the type of guy who, while everyone else was playing touch football after school, was busy hanging out with girls.  And not in the cool way, like "I'll show you mine, you show me yours," but in the "let's sit around and gossip like chicks do."  Fact:  During this year's Superbowl, at the half, he said something along the lines of "and now the players will return to their dressing rooms...."  Really?  Dressing rooms?  Dude, my dad HATES team sports and knows players go to "locker rooms."  How long have you been doing this job?

His voice sounds like an idle copy machine; this endless buzzing drone of electronics.  Yes, good call FOX, pair him with a semi-comatose Troy Aikman and let's all watch America reach for either the mute button on their remotes, their iPods, of a bottle of mash liquor.


3.  Joe Buck looks funny:  He has big teeth, a huge forehead and wisps of thin blond hair that make him look like the end result of a used car salesman mating with a pencil.  He literally looks like an eraser, or the product of generations of inbreeding, which, given his father did play-by-play for the Cardinals, doesn't surprise anyone.

4.  He's not a good journalist:  Granted, he does play-by-play which doesn't really constitute as "journalism" in the common sense, but since he's doing a national telecast of pro sports, it's important to remember one of the cardinal rules of journalism, objectivity, which is hilarious when you find out he actually graduated from a Journalism School (Univ. of Indiana-Bloomington, School of Journalism).  Joe Buck is hardly an objective sportscaster.  He's extremely pro-NY-anything, Yankees, Giants, Jets.... you name it, if he's calling a NY game, he basically slobbers all over A-Rod's knob anytime he's shown on screen.  What makes matters worse, aside from being ultra-pro-NY, he's pretty much anti-everyone else.  Whoever a NY team will be playing, he'll find ways to tear down the opposing team in a thinly-veiled fashion.

After being introduced to Barry Bonds, and Bonds not being terribly impressed with Buck (saying "So?" when told that Buck does the play-by-play), Buck, like the prima donna he is, stated that he would go out of his way to slight Bonds when he made his first plate appearance in that game.

Back in the mid-2000s, while calling a Green Bay-Minnesota game, he called Randy Moss "disgusting" for simulating mooning the home team Wisconsin crowd.  Buck failed to mention that often times, the Green Bay fans will moon the visiting team on their way to the locker rooms.  The owner of the Vikings was right to ask FOX to suspend Buck for his blatant prejudice.


5.  Joe Buck thinks he's better than everyone else, just ask him:  In an interview he gave back in 2008, Joe Buck likened himself to other play-by-play greats, including Howard Cosell.  When the reporter asked him, why then was his schedule cut down from the year before, Buck responded with: "I'm deathly afraid to be away from my family" or some other non-sense.  More likely, he was cut down, because FOX has a hard time selling advertising space during it's games, if viewers are blowing their brains out before the half.

By far, the best thing to ever happen to Joe Buck was getting his own HBO late-night style tv show called "Joe Buck Live!" which was mercifully killed two episodes in.

But it survived just long enough to prove how out of touch Buck is with the rest of America, when he had Artie Lange as his first guest.  Lange spent the eight or so minutes of his slot simply eviscerating Buck in what I can only imagine was a vodka-scented breath-mist.