The Crop Dusting Controversy

If you accused me of putting too much personal stock into my Twitter account, I'd likely plea "guilty as charged."

The other day, Runner's World Magazine (the authority for running sports, as far as I'm concerned) started a trend on it's twitter feed called #confessionsofarunner.  Runners who follow the mag (you can follow too at twitter.com/runnersworld) began to submit their personal confessions with the #hashtag.  Some of these were pretty funny; most, if not all were gross in one way or another.

Some examples:  "Don't shake my hand after a winter race, because I wipe my nose in my gloves," and "I re-wear grungy running socks before washing them," etc.  So I decided to put in my two bits.

I tweeted:  "@runnersworld I take satisfaction in crop dusting slower runners #confessionsofarunner"

Now, whether I do in fact take satisfaction in the act of spraying my fecal matter in an aerosol fashion is neither here nor there.  I was just having some fun.

But what started as just gross fun, became an afternoon of infamy.

Of course, whoever runs the Runner's World twitter account retweeted (or RT) my tweet, with the comment "best fart confession."  If you still don't fully grasp what "crop dusting" is, let me explain.

Crop Dusting, in a similar fashion to the little single engine airplanes that spray pesticides over farmer's crops, is when you spread a fart over an area while moving.  Say, while running in a pack of people.  If you're sitting there, reading that last bit, and thinking to yourself that you've never, in a hundred million years, would ever consider doing something like that, than I accuse you of being a robot.

After the RT from Runner's World, which went out to over 60,000 people who follow the magazine on Twitter, the comments came back with a vengeance.  For the most part, people took to the joke.  It was supposed to be fun, if not a little raunchy.  But some other people, well... they took things a little too seriously.

One responded with a tweet:  "I'm a slow runner and I don't appreciate that," another, dripping in sarcasm, "good one Runner's World, way to encourage beginner/slower/differently abled runners," ... like, people, it was a fucking joke.

Here, let's cut the bullshit:  If you've ever run in a big race... say a 10K or better, with a large group of people, say... 100 or better... past mile 3, you're going to hear "walkie-talkies" coming from runners all around you.  When I ran my marathon last Fall, (which did not allow for the use of iPods or other MP3 players and ear buds) people were farting left and right all around me.

I'm supposed to hold it for 26.2 miles?  Or... I'm supposed to say "excuse me" to everyone around me when I force out what could be a time-killing cramp?

Truth:  The night before and the morning of my marathon, I carb-loaded like a crazy man... I ate like it was my last meal.  Whole wheat pasta, meatballs, french bread for dinner... doubled up protein shake, bagels with peanut butter, and bananas for breakfast.  I was a ticking time bomb of gas.

And for some stupid reason, right at the start of the race, as soon as I crossed the starting line (I was a few rows deep, but not buried... about 8 seconds difference between my gun time and race time) I felt gassy and crampy.  I tried to hold it, or let little squeakers out as I ran, highly embarrassed.  People could see and here me.  I wasn't paying attention to my pace as much as I was to the growing boulder in my stomach.

But all pretense of politeness went out the window around mile four:  A bobbing pony tail in a pack about fifty yards ahead of me suddenly diverted from the race course down a side alleyway.  As I approached where she had left the course, I turned to look where she could have gone, slightly concerned.

I didn't have to look far... because she didn't go far.  She tucked into the side of the building, not two steps from the race course, squatted, dropped trow and was pissing a strong, hot stream of urine all over the sidewalk.  And I was holding back a fart?

Throughout the race I would see runners dip-diving off the course to run into the woods to relieve themselves... it was a pretty intense course (lots of hills) and people were... just in need.

In the end, Runner's World retracted the RT and put out an apology tweet re-affirming that they support runners of all different skill levels.  I felt kinda bad about that, but then again, they chose to RT me.  I'm sure someone got a nasty email from an editor tho.

So ... do I really take joy in crop dusting another, slower runner? ... Maybe... if they're douchey and do the whole ... sprint a mile a head of you, only to be seen walking as you approach and they are using you as a place marker... so when they see you they start running again.  When I pass that guy, I might spray him down if I got one in the chamber.... sure.

But let me be clear: I never said I took satisfaction in crop dusting "slow" runners... just "slower" as one tweeter said as he came to my defense.   I got nothing against the slow guys... hey, we're all running our own race, right?

And to those who took me too seriously, and got all offended by the idea that they're being shit-upon as they're being passed in a race.... I say:  Blow it out your asses.