Dispatch: Portland: City by The Sea

Portland, Maine is like a roommate I had in college.  When I was in college, we were both unsophisticated, dirty, sometimes scary people.  But we've both grown a little in the last few years and became more worldly, more open to ideas, more accepting of individuals.

I'm really glad to see Portland's grown up.

Or maybe it's just me?  Maybe Portland's always been this Mecca of Style in the Northeast; a not-so-well-kept secret just north of Boston, with a fantastic culinary community, culture and people.  Portland is all of the good things of Boston, with little of the bad.  Sure, there's crime, but there's crime everywhere.  What you won't see, at least in the places the tourists go, is dirt, grime and bad times.

In typical fashion, I was only going to be in Maine for roughly 24 hours.  Just enough time to get some work done, maybe see a friend or two, and be gone again like vapor.  Since I had just seen my mom on the Cape for Mother's Day, I figured she'd be cool with me going out on the one night I'd have in Portland.  I made some phone calls and set something up.

At 6:30, I was on the Northwest corner of Congress and Free streets, by the restaurant Nosh.  Earlier, my childhood friend Mandy had suggested the place for dinner.

"They serve like, really good burgers and .... like, tempura-fried bacon... are you into that stuff?  I know you've gone all health nut on us in the last few years..."  I explain to her that I may run marathons and triathlons, but I'm not dead.  A fried pork belly sandwich and bacon-dusted fries with a Guinness sounded like just the medicine I needed.

Mandy arrives shortly after I do, as I'm playing with my phone on the corner.  She's with her husband David, a guy about my height, glasses, easy smile.  They're newlyweds, coming up on their first year anniversary, and I'm happy to see they're still in that place where they're still ironing out the wrinkles.

A little passive-aggressive back and forth between the two would be the battle rhythm for the evening.

Nosh is a gastro-pub like any other I've been too.  There's nothing here that sets it apart other than the Ms. Pac-Man game at the front door.  The place is also crowded and it's a "seat yourself" sort of deal.  We wait by the door, waiting for a table to clear.  The place is a hipster joint; skinny jeans and cardigans are the uniform of the day.  A tall, lanky kid who looks like he just wrapped a photo shoot for American Apparel walks by us.

Luckily Mandy and David are the types who have connections in the restaurant biz here in Portland.  David makes eye-contact with a server who he works part-time with at the Armory Lounge and soon we're seated.

The menu is glorified pub fare, with strange Asian twists and turns.  David goes with the Falafal, Mandy with the Tuna Tartar and I get the pork belly sandwich.  We each decide to split an order of the bacon-dusted fries, and tempura-fried bacon with Nutella drizzled all over the top.

The conversation inevitably turns towards marriage.  I ask how they're doing in their first year and I'm greeted by a wall of unified bliss.

"It's great!" Mandy says.

"Never been better," David says.

"We hardly ever fight, it's awesome!"

But being that only a few short years ago, I was in there shoes, I can readily see thru this lie.  There's an unspoken tension between the two that's written all over their body language.  I deduce that David doesn't want to be here, as he's too quick to engage in conversation, and even quicker to disengage and stare elsewhere around the restaurant.  Our food is brought out and he nearly pounds half of his vodka and water.

After dinner and many pleasantries, I head home for the night.  I have an early day the next morning and I have to be up at 4 am for some goddamn reason.  We all hug and shake hands and the look of relief on everyone's face is hard to miss.

But Portland has another side to it, that's vastly different from the posh gastro pubs and sushi bars that make up the water front and East End.

But that's always been the case with Portland; it's a city with competing personalities, a literal economic strata to almost an extreme.  While Portland is a city comprised of young up and comers, there's also it's fair share of thugs, homeless, junkies, and burnouts.  Driving home, I watch as two men walk with a menacing purpose down Commercial St from one bar to another. 

Take a wrong turn on the outer fringes of Portland and you could very well end up in the news.  Out of the popular television show "The Wire" street gangs flourish in tenement housing projects.  Routinely, you hear of police-involved shootings with quasi-legal residences. 

It's roughly 5 am and I'm traveling in-bound off the 295 up Congress St again, but the Portland from the night before is still asleep.  Instead, like out of a bad B-Zombie-Film, homeless men shuffle down from the hill towards the Greyhound Bus Station, half out of their minds.  As I'm the only traffic on the roads at this hour, they each stop in their tracks and slowly turn towards the sound of my car.

I drive a while longer and pull off on the side of the street and wait til my appointment at 6 am.  The sun is starting to come up and there's a grayness about everything.  Off in the distance, I see this lurching, painful-looking figure running towards me.  As I finger my locks, what comes to pass is a middle-aged woman out for a morning run.

Her gait is a cross between a seizure and someone trying to fight off invisible bats.  Her elbows careen wildly from her sides, she's bent over at the waist, towards her right as if she's being kicked, her left knee fires off to the left every third footfall. 

But it looks like she's keeping a 7:30 pace, so ... good for her?

I'm parked at a parking meter, one of the many in downtown Portland, but I don't have any change to feed it, and no store is yet open.  My appointment is about to get underway, so I just leave the car, locked, hoping that Portland still has that fabled "get one free" parking ticket policy.

I'm in meetings with various people for a few hours, and by 1030, I'm walking back out to where I parked, fully expecting a sliver of paper to be waving at me in the breeze from the windshield wiper. 

But nothing, no paper, no fine, no reproachful looks from the onlookers now filling the sidewalks. 

I gotta say, I love this city.

Four Reasons Why You Shouldn't Join a Gym

Yesterday I found out that the membership to my local gym is just about a month away from expiring.  This is great for two reasons:  A) I'll be leaving the Cape in a matter of weeks indefinitely, and B)...

I can't stand my gym, as it's been noted more than once.

So here's four reasons why you shouldn't bother joining a gym.  Now, mind you, I'm still advocating for physical fitness and well being, but joining a gym isn't for everyone (or anyone, really).  There's plenty of things you can do OUTSIDE of four walls for physical activity.

1. You'll save money.

Gym memberships are ridiculously overpriced, and that's just walking in the door.  My membership was a locked-in rate of $55/month for 15 months, or something ridiculous like that.  And I really wasn't getting much out of it.  Sure, I had access to TWO facilities, but what's the point when both are terrible?  And again, aside from a few cursory classes, everything you'd want to do at our gym cost money.  Rock wall, massages, training, tanning, etc.  What was our monthly dues going towards?  The NEW RESTAURANT the gym management wanted to put in?!  The parking lot was a fucking mess (I, for reals, watched a pot hole swallow a Jeep Wrangler whole the other day...), how about instead of dumping a bunch of membership cash into what will inevitably be a failed venture (who the hell is going to say to their spouse "hunny, let's try out that new place... you know, at the GYM....), how about investing in a parking lot that won't require me to seek out a new tire and spinal alignment?

My $55 bucks/month will be better served either being squirreled away or .... paying for more ridiculous shit I don't need.  But either way, it's better than going to the mismanagement of someone else's property and business.

2.  You'll save time.

You really have to add it up, but think about it:  How much time are you technically "wasting" at the gym?  I'm not talking about your actual workout, but think of the amount of time it takes you to get over to and back from the gym?  For us, we're fortunate enough to live just a short drive from the main facility.  On nice days, I can run the three miles, work out, and run back, so it's not so much of a waste.  But having to get ready (about ten minutes), get out of our silly-ass neighborhood (five minutes), drive thru traffic (ten minutes, longer in the summer), get inside and into the locker room (five minutes) and on to the gym floor only to have to then warm up (another ten minutes) that's ... let's see... nearly 45 minutes of bullshit JUST TO START WORKING OUT!

Then you have to quantify leaving, which isn't nearly as long, but still, thru summer traffic, on Cape?  Yeah, you won't be home for another twenty minutes.  That's nearly an hour a day, saved, that you could be doing something else.

I realized a long time ago that the bulk of my workouts can be done at home, in my living room.  My current base workout is this:

4x25 push-ups
4x25 sit-ups w/25lb
2/20 pull-ups
planks
and some free weights.  I usually also either cycle or run for a warm up.

So, side from the free weights, I can be doing all of this stuff at home.  I'm only missing a declining bench to do my sit-ups on, which I can supplement by doing other abdominal exercises (bicycle kicks, crunches, etc)  Running is virtually free, and I already own a pretty boss bicycle.  We have a pull-up bar in the bedroom over the closet.  Total time to do all those exercises: 25 minutes, plus another half hour run?  That's 60-sum-odd minutes, roughly the amount of time it would take to go and come back from the gym.

3.  You won't have to deal with dickheads.

My gym is crawling with sweaty goonish guidos, semi-catatonic elderly people, and fat housewives glued to Rachael Ray on Tv.  On the weekends, it's even worse.

There are unsupervised children, and separately, the place is usually unusually dirty at all times.  Working out from home, and not paying money to use this facility will cut your stress levels in half, nearly instantly. 

I went to a yoga class last month and couldn't concentrate because I could hear the assholes thru the divider laughing like jackasses, they were so loud.  Now I'll be able to slap a yoga DVD into the machine in my living room and just sit on my yoga mat in full tranquility.

No longer will I have to wait to use a piece of equipment that some barely literate idiot is hogging up as he sends text messages between sets.  No longer will I have to wipe up someone else's disgusting sweat puddles when they're done with something I want to use.

And the Tvs.... jesus, the Tvs.... Touch one and the whole peanut gallery on the ellipticals flip the F out, that is, when the Tvs are working....

4.  You won't have to deal with broken equipment.

If your gym is anything like mine, you're familiar with the constant disappointment of going to use a favorite piece of equipment only to find out it's broken.  Whether it's a certain treadmill (face it, using a different one feels "weird.") or bench, or weight, or medicine ball, not having that exact piece of gym equipment can make or break a workout.  At our gym, at least 35% of shit is constantly out of order, missing or broken.

My wife really liked doing push-ups with those hand-grip things.  She used them twice before they went "missing."  She found them a few days later, broken, kicked to the side of the room.  Same goes with medicine balls she likes to use to do squats.

For me, I don't like running on treadmills, but I'll put up with it for a few miles before the rest of my workout.  Half of the treadmills, and there's at least ten treadmills at our gym, are either broken, or too fucked up to use correctly: the belts slip, the speed is all messed up giving you an inaccurate reading, etc.  I did three miles the other day when I had the speed set to 7 minute miles, and the read-out told me I ran the mileage in 28 minutes.  THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!  Great, the treadmills are so fucked up at my gym, they can't even do simple math right.

When you work out in your own home, that's your equipment you using, so that means you'll take care of it, one (it was presumably your money, right?), and two, no one else will come in one time and completely fuck it up while you're away (usually.).  The only downside is space: if you live in a small two-bedroom apartment like we do, there's not a whole lot of room to store equipment. 

For instance, we have some plate weights, some yoga mats, some hand-push-up-grip things, a jump rope, pull-up bar.... and that's about it.  And even I think we have too much shit here, especially without a dedicated room for it.  The one advantage to going to a gym, in this case, it's someone else holding on to all of this shit for you.

So essentially, you're paying for storage.

Five Websites You Should Be Wasting Your Time On, Right Now:

Hey slacker:  If you could just give me a moment of your time, please?  Unplug your buds from Pandora and take a quick look around - your boss is tucked away in his back office, diddling Solitaire for the rest of the morning?  Good.  Because I got the scoop on some websites you should be surfing instead of watching the clock til your next mandated ten minute break from your cube-based hell:

via theoatmeal.com

Site:  The Oatmeal (theoatmeal.com)

What it is:  Crude-but-funny drawings of cartoons with allegorical twists.  Everything about facts about cats and Nikola Tesla to blog posts about terrible first dates and quizzes about how many Justin Beibers you could possibly take down in a fist-fight.

Time Waste Value: Strong.  If you've never been to The Oatmeal, you could literally lose hours upon hours going thru the site's many facets.  Just try not to guffaw too loudly and alert your fellow cube dwellers.

Updates:  Semi-often.  Currently the site's creator Matt Inman is touring in support of his book (The aptly named "Five Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth"), so the updates haven't been as frequent, but that's sure to change in the near future.

Site: Eater (eater.com)

What is is: A hip food-based blog with bits of chewy pop culture morsels for you to digest.  Some fairly decent writing and topics for the food obsessed, whether you're into organic farm-raised salmon or greasy french fries left over from the previous night's shift at Wendy's.

Time Waste Value:  Good.  The blog entries are more than just a few paragraphs and there's enough recipes and videos to keep you occupied until lunch.

Updates: Daily.  So feel free to bookmark and check back often.

Site: Runner's World Magazine (runnersworld.com)

What is is:  The most comprehensive running website out there; after you've porked yourself stupid over at Eater, feel free to waddle over to RW.  Here you can get tips on your running workout, gear, music, nutrition and blogs from guys (and gals) in the know.  And it's not like that one guy in your office that bores you to death with his workout, as the site is mostly geared towards the beginner who's just getting their feet under them; you won't be over stimulated with a bunch of technical jargon.

Time Waste Value:  Decent.  If you're already subscribing to RW's magazine, a lot of the articles on the site are redundant after about a week from when you get your latest issue.  But there's enough daily updated blogs and gear search criteria to eat up an hour a day here.

Updates:  Just about daily.




Site: Listerverse (listverse.com)

What it is:  Ever wonder who the top ten worst men in military history are?  The top 15 most dangerous plants?  The top 11 animals most likely to be extinct in fifty years?  Then pop over to Listverse, a blog that carries nothing but researched lists of the most random shit on the internet.  While I think some of the information on the site might be the author's own opinion, some of the stuff is pretty interesting.  Just be aware of some of the links at the bottoms of pages; they can redirect you off site and are usually sketchy in the way of viruses and spyware.

Time Waste Value: Strong:  You could seriously end up burning hours of productivity on this site, as well as your company's computer server.

Updates: Daily.

Site:  Life Hacker (lifehacker.com)

What is is:  Granted, LH is part of Gawker media, which is like, the Kia of Journalism, but Life Hacker has just enough redeeming value to keep me coming back and checking shit out.  Want to know how to break into a zipper-locked suitcase?  LH's got a video for you.  How about job hunting tips that are outside of the box?  While the site tends to lean towards the tech-y side, even average joes can find something redeeming.

Time Waste Value: Moderate.  If you can get past any Gawker site's terrible interface and proof-reading, you can waste an hour or more here.

Updates:  Multiple times a day.

The Power of The 5K

I was stupid to assume that a 5K race is something to sneer at.

I was training for a marathon, I remember.  That's a true test of endurance that only a very few, select people can not only commit to, but accomplish.  And to accomplish it, for me, meant running a fast time, to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

So when I would hear about people training for a 5K... a little rinky-dink community event where there's no real "winner" just a lot of participants, I would outwardly be like "good for you!" but inwardly be like "pfft, let me know how that goes" with the eyeroll.

But I was wrong.  The 5K is a beast of a race.

It's 3.1 miles of hell.  A true test of your abilities as a runner is to see how long you can hold a sprint for.  Right now, the world record for the 5K is something retarded: like 12 minutes or something.  That's over 3 miles in 12 minutes, a runner would have to be running 4 minute mile splits, or roughly 15 mph.

That's Animal-Speed, brother.

Yes, there are those who go out to the annual local 5K and just jog it out, but I'm not one of those people.  No, I'm a competitor, I thrive on burying my opponents, ... so I want to run a really fast 5K.

As we're coming into the "running season" proper with the passing of the Boston Marathon on Monday, the local 5 and 10K circuits are going to be humming all throughout summer.  I have a few local ones already penned into my calender: the first annual Nauset 5K to benefit Nauset Schools, and the Yarmouth 5K that benefits some sort of police officer charity, both next month.

And then there's the hallowed "Beach to Beacon" 10K in Maine, in August, that I'm hoping I'll be able to compete in.  There's some sticky issues involving work.  More on that another time.

But what I'm really gunning for is taking the win, first place, at the inaugural Nauset 5K.  The Greeks were really good at describing the immortality of their heroes: you had to do something worth remembering forever. And taking first place at the first race, ever.... is as close to immortality as I can possibly get.

So I've been training at the 5K distance.  It's not a long distance by any means, and currently I'm running a 17-minute time, on a flat course.  As with all race course descriptions, the Nauset 5K is described as "mostly flat."

If you've ever run a race before, and the description says "mostly flat" expect there to be a gradual incline that's going to make you it's bitch before it makes you pay for dinner.

But the 5K is no joke, really.  While the marathon is a test of physical and cardiovascular endurance, the 5K is a test of strength.  How hard and how long can you run?  Can you run your hardest for just over 3 miles?  Because there's no pacing here, the race isn't long enough to develop a rhythm with your breathing and footfalls.  No, there's just hard running, speed, fast and slow muscle twitch, and trying to suck down enough O2 to keep your muscles from burning themselves out.

I'm really starting to love the idea of the 5K.

What to Expect When Running Your First Marathon

 We're just under a week away from the Boston Marathon, arguably the most prized endurance race in the country.  This year, over 20,000 people will be running from Hopkinton to Copley, which tends to spur people to want to run a marathon themselves.  About half of those inspired by the BM will actually go on to run a full 26.2m course.

So what can you expect?  With the Boston Marathon, everyone running it (legitimately, there are those who will "bandit" run it) has ran at least one marathon course with a "Boston Qualifying" time (the times are different for men and women of different age groups).  The Boston Marathon is the only United States Track&Field-sanctioned event that requires its entrances to "qualify" at least 9 months before the start of the race.

So the bottom line here is, if you want to run "Boston" you have to run someplace else first, and run it fast.

So what can you expect from running a marathon?  I ran my first marathon last Fall after getting a wild hair up my ass.  Previously, I had done a short triathlon "sprint" and the occassional road race (5k, 10k) in high school/college.  I had never dreamed of running a full marathon.  These are my experiences:

Before the race:

-You will lose a toenail, or two, or three.  You're going to be doing a lot of running to train your body up to be able to run consistently for over 26 miles.  In the course of this, your feet are going to take a crap-load of punishment, including the all-too-well-known-by-runners black toenails.  This is what happens when blood pools under the nail, due to frequent trauma.  Eventually, over time the nail will go dead and just fall off.  It's pretty fucking gross actually.

To combat this, get properly-fitted running shoes and socks.  Not only will this help prevent the dreaded toenails of death, but also nasty blisters and other foot injuries.  You can also treat a black toenail by trying to drain it.  A doctor's office visit can get this accomplished, or you can try to do it yourself, but just be aware of possible site infections.

-You will burn out a pair of decent running shoes.  With all the miles you're going to (hopefully) log while training, your current pair of runners will be toast before the race.  You should go out and get a new pair of shoes a few weeks before your race date and start to gradually break them in, while still running in your old shoes.  As the race gets closer, swap out the old shoes for the new shoes.  Your new shoes should have at least 50 miles on them before taking them out on race day.

-You are going to ache.  Part of training for a marathon is self-sacrifice.  Whether it's getting up extra early to get in those precious miles before (and then again after) work, or the punishment on the body, you are going to be sore in the last few weeks up to race.  Listen to your body, treat any pain or soreness seriously.  Don't feel like you have to "train thru the pain" because that's just bluddy stupid.  Knees, feet, hips... anything that takes full impact from road running are going to be sore.  Try to ice and heat problem areas and keep off your feet whenever possible (say, at night when the day is done).


-You will get stared at.  With all the mileage you're logging, expect people to be impressed with not only your appearance but your attitude.  The constant release of endorphins is going to make you a pleasant person to be around, and once you tell people what this new attitude is attributed to, you will be fawned over like a god.  And quite possibly, secretly feared.


During the race:

-You will carb-load like crazy.  The night before and the morning of, you will stuff so much bread in your mouth, you'll likely burst.  Depending on your level of fitness, how fast you run, etc, you can expect to expend about 2500-3500 calories during the race.  Taking in some protein wouldn't be a bad idea either.

-You will be thrown into a carnival-like atmosphere.  Races now-a-days, particularly marathons, are becoming more and more like roving block parties than races, as more people of different ability levels are joining in on the festivities.  You will see people dressed in costumes, vendors selling shit (outside of the expo) throngs of people laughing it up.  Hopefully this relieves some of the pre-race jitters you might feel, but it could add to them too.  It just depends on who you are, mentally.

-You will be passed.  As the race starts, you will be passed by people left and right.  Just let them go.  In turn, you will be passing people, left and right.  The point is, you're only out there racing against one person, and that's you.  As the field of runners spreads out along the course, you'll start seeing less and less people, and soon you'll feel like you're just out on another training run.

-Don't feel like you have to take water at every station.  There are going to be "comfort stations" all along the route, usually at every 5K.  They will offer everything from water and Gatorade, to bananas and bathrooms.  Taking water (I never take the Gatorade or Cytomax because whatever you take will inevitably end up on your face, and who wants to be covered in sticky shit on a long distance run?) will be a relief, but it will also make you heavy and want to pee.  Personally, I only took water at every third station, and even then it was just a sip or two before heaving my cup at the nearest waste can.  If offered water and you don't want it, just politely decline or just keep running by.  The volunteers understand.

-You will see humanity at its worst.  I'm not saying you'll witness war crimes or anything.  But you will see people pissing, puking, shitting every where.  You will (hopefully) leap over puddles of throw up, run thru a cloud of farts, and maybe even see someone collapse from fatigue.  Just try to ignore it and keep running.

-You will want to give up.  Everyone hits a wall at some point, but what's important is not giving in.  Once you stop, your race is over.  You will never regain the same stride or speed or strength.  You just have to fight thru it.  For me, my wall was at the 15th mile.  I was really considering calling it quits when I was running over a series of hills out in the middle of no where by myself.  I just had to dig in and think of something else.  I thought: I don't have 11 miles to go - I've run 15, don't quit now.  And it was enough to get me over that hump.

-You will run to the sounds of your own breath and foot falls.  A lot of UST&F-sanctioned events don't allow iPods (check with race organizers for specific rules, some do, some don't.  But most don't.).  So get used to running without the aid of your "power playlist."  Yes, you will see some racers skirting around this rule, and good for them, but when you run a marathon with just the soundtrack of nature and your fellow runners around, there's something magical about that.  Give it a try.

-In the last miles, some perky idiot in a costume will sprint past you.  But don't be alarmed, he or she is in one of the many relays your race is conducting concurrent to the marathon itself.  A lot of marathons will have these smaller events going on around the actual "big race."  Most marathons will host a half marathon, 10K, 5K and various relays.  Personally, I fucking hate these relay assholes.  Five guys dressed up like characters from the Wizard of Oz (true story) will be running along side you the entire time, only to pass to the last guy on the last series of mileage (usually a 10K a-piece) and sprint towards the end, when you're completely depleted of life and energy? That sucks.  Just ignore them, and think to yourself: I'm running 5 times greater a distance than that (literal) pack of assholes.

Post-race:

This is the look found on most finisher's faces.

-You will be disgusting.  Congratulations, you just ran your first marathon!  As a reward for your endurance and strength, you get the pleasure of looking, smelling and feeling like roadkill!  Expect to be utterly gross when you cross the line.  You'll have spit (and maybe some puke) all over your face, salt-crusted clothes, and smell like death.  I remember coming up to the finish line and seeing a green and gray haze over everything, no lie.  You'll need a solid hour-long shower, trust me.

-Treat your feet.  Yeah, you just ran a marathon, so give props to the guys who got you from point A to point B, and soak them in some epsom salt when you get home.  Relax, rub them down, try to stay off them for the next 24 hours if possible.

-The soreness will catch up to you.  You'll be flying so high off the endorphins that you won't realize how much pain your body is in for probably a day or two.  Sure, you'll be stiff and achy, but the pain won't hit til probably two days later.  Just pop some Tylenol and drink lots of water over the next week to help minimize the muscle tension.


-Your body will do some funky shit.  Running your first marathon will have adverse affects on your body that you might not be aware of right away.  Just keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary and if it lasts longer than a week or two, consult a doctor.  For me, I had trouble holding my pee (TMI, I know).  It wasn't that I was pissing myself, I just didn't get that usual, gradual urgency that I needed to go take a leak over a period of time.  Instead, I would be hit with a sudden urge and needed to find a toilet real quick.  Your body might react a similar way.

-You will want to get back out and go run ASAP.  Don't.  You need to give your body some recovery time, even if you feel "fine."  Take a week off, you earned it (along with a really calorie-high meal, greasy burger and french fries?  With a beer or nine?).  When you do start up again, take it slow and don't do any crazy mileage for your first month.  Keep an eye open for smaller, local races like 5Ks and use those to keep your edge sharp.

-Sign up for your next race.  You're now a marathoner!  After some time has passed, sign up for another race and see if you can't (if you didn't already) qualify for the holy of holies, Boston.  Check out their website for age and gender-specific qualifying times.  If you did, in fact, qualify on your first go (it's not impossible) you should be receiving something in the mail from the Boston Athletic Association within a few weeks.

March Run Mix

Every month I'm going to try to share with you a playlist of songs that I enjoy running to/with (?).  Feel free to cop these where ever you buy music, and then immediately turn around and hit the road.

 

The Catalyst, Linkin Park:  I like the slow build of this song, especially on early morning runs.  You can see yourself pushing off from your starting point just as the choppy-techy beats drop in.  A very affirming song to start out any distance running.

Resistance, Muse:  Another slow builder, equally good for a playlist headliner.  The soft vocals eventually give way to a powerful ballad that will pull you down the street by your heart strings.



Rolling in the Deep, Adele: A funky, disco-y track that builds quickly just as the heavy thumping of the drums kick in.  Great for pace work.  When I ran to this the other day I found my feet hitting pavement in time with the beat.

Drumming Song, Florence + The Machine: Another beat-heavy track, when this comes up in my buds it will usually put a smile on my face, which makes me a better runner, for some reason.  And what's better than the line of the refrain "sweeter than heaven, hotter than hell?"  That usually sums up most of my runs, actually.

 

Viva la Vida, Cold Play:  Ok... admittedly.... I have this song on my iPod, but that doesn't make me gay!  It's a good track.... the song's about how this guy first obtains power and then loses it.  You know what, you're not even paying attention to this anymore, you've come to your own conclusions.  Fuck it, I like running to it.

Pumped Up Kicks, Foster the People: What's a better song to run to than one about gnarly shoes and out running guns and bullets?  ...Because I can't understand anything else the vocalist says in this song.



Wolf Like Me, Tv on the Radio:  Another beat-heavy track.  When I listen to this song on my runs,  I feel like I'm being chased thru the woods.


Handlebars, Flobots: Kind of a braggart's song, I like running to this song when I'm feeling slow and just pacing out the last few miles of my run... because the last 1/3 of the song it picks up quick and hard.  Try not to mind the political undertones.




Harder, Better, Faster Stronger, Daft Punk:  The quintessential techno-workout track, the French Robotic DJ-Duo give us four goals that we should each strive for in our workouts.


Bad Romance, Lady Gaga:  Techno-y, thumping, full of energy.  Just what you need at mid-run.  (True story: I was running on a treadmill at the gym at my old job and thought I was alone.  I had plugged my iPod into the stereo system and Gaga's "Boys Boys Boys" started to play loud over the speakers, and since I was on the treadmill I couldn't just hop off and change songs.  One of my bosses ended up walking in and called me a "fag.")



The Beast and The Harlot, Avenged Sevenfold:  A fast, hard, 80's speed metal track from a band that was born around the same time Axel Rose took his first hit of cocaine.

Animal I Have Become, Three Days Grace: We should each strive to become a fucking animal during our runs or workouts.  When I'm running and I hear this song, I picture myself turning into a lion and chasing down tasty-ass gazelles. 



Battery, Metallica:  Easily the greatest song they ever wrote and performed.  Powerful, epic... this song is like the battle scenes from Gladiator and Lord of the Rings, combined.

Lose Yourself, Eminem: This song should really be at the top of the list, not towards the bottom.  This is the song I listen to before every competitive event I run in.  Just the spoken-word beginning is enough to get me ready to set a PR.



No Love, Eminem featuring Lil' Wayne: Another powerful song that builds.... it covers all the bases: Beastmode, never breaking stride, monopoly boards.... I hear this song and I instantly feel stronger.

 

Hell of a Life, Kanye West:  A track about what it's like to marry a porn star, I just really like running to the beat and hook.

Power, Kanye West:  A tribal track, theme music for superheroes.


Monster, Kanye West featuring Rick Ross, Jay-Z and Nicki Minaj:  The first three words of this song are all I need to hear before I go run a sub-six minute mile:  Bitch, I'ma Monster.



Better & Better, KRS-One, featuring Pee-Doe:  A dope beat to run to, and KRS makes a valid point that hip-hop really was better in the 90s.


All of the Lights, Kanye West featuring Rhianna:  When I hear this song towards the end of my runs, I picture winning a championship, victory, completion.



My Body, Young the Giant:  This is my official training anthem:  "My body tells me no, but I won't quit, cuz I want more."  Perfect.


Hurt, Johnny Cash: While some of you might bristle at the idea of running to this song... on a clear morning, I can't run and NOT listen to the man in black's tragic voice and what it says.



Pain, Jimmy Eat World:  This track, about pain killer addiction, was used by NBC's Sunday Night Football for it's opening montages.  I'm thinking someone doesn't listen to lyrics down at NBC....

All I Do is Win, Ludacris, featuring T-Pain, Rick Ross and Snoop Dogg:  What else do you need to know about this song?  It's called ALL I DO IS WIN.  Perfect for finish lines and post-race winner's circles.

 

Empire Ants, Gorillaz featuring Little Dragon: a cool down track that pumps it up towards the back half.  Love the chick's voice.

We Made It, Busta Rhymes featuring Linkin Park: At the bottom of your playlist you need a song that reaffirms all your hard work.  Use this one.  "I'm a symbol of greatness, call a nigga Morpheus" routinely plays thru my head, post workout.

The Crop Dusting Controversy

If you accused me of putting too much personal stock into my Twitter account, I'd likely plea "guilty as charged."

The other day, Runner's World Magazine (the authority for running sports, as far as I'm concerned) started a trend on it's twitter feed called #confessionsofarunner.  Runners who follow the mag (you can follow too at twitter.com/runnersworld) began to submit their personal confessions with the #hashtag.  Some of these were pretty funny; most, if not all were gross in one way or another.

Some examples:  "Don't shake my hand after a winter race, because I wipe my nose in my gloves," and "I re-wear grungy running socks before washing them," etc.  So I decided to put in my two bits.

I tweeted:  "@runnersworld I take satisfaction in crop dusting slower runners #confessionsofarunner"

Now, whether I do in fact take satisfaction in the act of spraying my fecal matter in an aerosol fashion is neither here nor there.  I was just having some fun.

But what started as just gross fun, became an afternoon of infamy.

Of course, whoever runs the Runner's World twitter account retweeted (or RT) my tweet, with the comment "best fart confession."  If you still don't fully grasp what "crop dusting" is, let me explain.

Crop Dusting, in a similar fashion to the little single engine airplanes that spray pesticides over farmer's crops, is when you spread a fart over an area while moving.  Say, while running in a pack of people.  If you're sitting there, reading that last bit, and thinking to yourself that you've never, in a hundred million years, would ever consider doing something like that, than I accuse you of being a robot.

After the RT from Runner's World, which went out to over 60,000 people who follow the magazine on Twitter, the comments came back with a vengeance.  For the most part, people took to the joke.  It was supposed to be fun, if not a little raunchy.  But some other people, well... they took things a little too seriously.

One responded with a tweet:  "I'm a slow runner and I don't appreciate that," another, dripping in sarcasm, "good one Runner's World, way to encourage beginner/slower/differently abled runners," ... like, people, it was a fucking joke.

Here, let's cut the bullshit:  If you've ever run in a big race... say a 10K or better, with a large group of people, say... 100 or better... past mile 3, you're going to hear "walkie-talkies" coming from runners all around you.  When I ran my marathon last Fall, (which did not allow for the use of iPods or other MP3 players and ear buds) people were farting left and right all around me.

I'm supposed to hold it for 26.2 miles?  Or... I'm supposed to say "excuse me" to everyone around me when I force out what could be a time-killing cramp?

Truth:  The night before and the morning of my marathon, I carb-loaded like a crazy man... I ate like it was my last meal.  Whole wheat pasta, meatballs, french bread for dinner... doubled up protein shake, bagels with peanut butter, and bananas for breakfast.  I was a ticking time bomb of gas.

And for some stupid reason, right at the start of the race, as soon as I crossed the starting line (I was a few rows deep, but not buried... about 8 seconds difference between my gun time and race time) I felt gassy and crampy.  I tried to hold it, or let little squeakers out as I ran, highly embarrassed.  People could see and here me.  I wasn't paying attention to my pace as much as I was to the growing boulder in my stomach.

But all pretense of politeness went out the window around mile four:  A bobbing pony tail in a pack about fifty yards ahead of me suddenly diverted from the race course down a side alleyway.  As I approached where she had left the course, I turned to look where she could have gone, slightly concerned.

I didn't have to look far... because she didn't go far.  She tucked into the side of the building, not two steps from the race course, squatted, dropped trow and was pissing a strong, hot stream of urine all over the sidewalk.  And I was holding back a fart?

Throughout the race I would see runners dip-diving off the course to run into the woods to relieve themselves... it was a pretty intense course (lots of hills) and people were... just in need.

In the end, Runner's World retracted the RT and put out an apology tweet re-affirming that they support runners of all different skill levels.  I felt kinda bad about that, but then again, they chose to RT me.  I'm sure someone got a nasty email from an editor tho.

So ... do I really take joy in crop dusting another, slower runner? ... Maybe... if they're douchey and do the whole ... sprint a mile a head of you, only to be seen walking as you approach and they are using you as a place marker... so when they see you they start running again.  When I pass that guy, I might spray him down if I got one in the chamber.... sure.

But let me be clear: I never said I took satisfaction in crop dusting "slow" runners... just "slower" as one tweeter said as he came to my defense.   I got nothing against the slow guys... hey, we're all running our own race, right?

And to those who took me too seriously, and got all offended by the idea that they're being shit-upon as they're being passed in a race.... I say:  Blow it out your asses.

Running Cold

My wife's friend Eddie got in touch with me recently and asked about some gear for cold weather running.  He's new to running (so new, in fact, I don't think he's yet BEEN running) so I was obviously perplexed as to why he'd want to get started NOW, in February, when running is just about its suckiest.

In the northeast, February is a month where you'll either be greeted with snow or freezing rain about 50% of the time.  Not to mention the average temperature hovers around 30 degrees on a good day.  I can't stand cold weather running, and I try to avoid it as much as possible.  I'll only run outside maybe twice a week, oppose to in warmer weather, 5-6 times.  I supplement the rest of my weekly running indoors on gym treadmills, but I cut my mileage significantly, because running on treadmills is bad for your knees and hips.

But never to be undaunted by a cry for help (or advice) I pieced together this list of cold weather running gear, keeping in mind that Eddie, being a beginner runner, is likely to be either A) on a budget, or B) not so committed to running as to want to drop 100 dollars on a pair of tights.



EMS Techwick Beanie and Gloves:

Your mom was right; you'll catch a cold if you don't at least cover your head and ears while you're playing outside.  You lose nearly 90% of your body heat thru the extremities, so it's in your best interest to keep them covered.



I like EMS's Techwick stuff, because it's comfy and it breathes, so you're not going to get too gross or sweaty while wearing it.  I used to be a huge opponent to wearing gloves when I ran, because I didn't like how my sweaty digits felt after only a few miles.  EMS's glove liners will allow the stagnant moisture escape but keep your flanges dry and warm.  ($15 bucks each, ems.com)

EMS Excel Running Tights:

I'm not the biggest fan of running in long tights, because the leg muscles being as big as they are, they tend to produce a lot of heat very quickly (usually before your first mile) so covering them up tends to lead to overheating or moisture.  However, again, EMS comes thru with a tight that wicks away moisture and allows heat to dissipate slowly over time, keeping you warmer (but not too warm) longer.  ($35 bucks, ems.com)

Underarmour Base Layer Top:

What I lack for love in running tights, I make up for in a good base layer top.  There are many to chose from, but Underarmour gets the job done for the right price.  It's a durable product that for the money, you can expect to put tons of mileage on.  I still have a set from nearly about eight years ago that still gets weekly use this time of year.  ($50 bucks, ua.com)




Underarmour Compression Sock:

Gotta keep those toesies warm too!  These socks feed heated blood from your quads and calves down to the tips of your feet and back, allowing you to get in a few extra miles before you can't feel your feet anymore.  They're a little pricey but have you ever had to run with numb toes?  It sucks, especially if you hit one of those barely-iced-over-puddles.  ($20 bucks, ua.com)





Nike Training Long Sleeve Jersey:

Layering is important.  You don't want to be out there with just a base layer (at least til April) so Nike's training long sleeve is a good "middle layer" that still insulates but allows for air to circulate.  Moisture from your base layer will transport to this middle layer and evaporate more efficiently.  ($45 bucks, nikerunning.com)





Nike Windrunner Jacket:

Keeping in mind with the layering, you need something to keep those sudden and harsh gusts of cold winter wind off your body.  Nike makes a fairly decent light weight windbreaker complete with hood (incase you get caught in a freakish ice downpour) and water proof pockets that'll keep all your goods (ipod, gels, cell phone, etc) dry.  ($80 bucks, nikerunning.com)






Brooks Defyance Running Shoe:

Lastly, I swear by Brooks, but picking out a shoe for someone else (let alone a beginner runner) is dangerous work.  However, I wish someone had pointed these out to me when I first started getting serious about my runs.  The Defyance is a neutral running shoe and great for people who put between 5-15 miles or more a week on the road.  ($100 bucks, brooksrunning.com)

I'm Better Than You

My body fat percent
Hovers around a cent
My resting heart rate
Is about forty eight
I can do 100 push ups
my body, I'll never corrupt.

I'm better than you
This is fact, it's true
I'm the essence of greatness
judges line up to rate this
My visage is high maintenance

I practically live in the gym
in the pool, I endlessly swim
I run marathons
and triathlons
I even carry the baton
for your college track team.
I'm all lean
a clean, fighting machine
I'm what every fat slob secretly dreams

Because I'm better than you
Women line up to be choosed
I'm the picture of a god
my abs are 90% of my bod
My diet is all protein, I love me some cod

I practically never see my wife
I don't have much of a life
Our last vacation,
was to a Work Out Nation
I get angry when I don't workout
I'll stand in the mirror and pout
Pull on imaginary fat
that I think is growing that
is not really there.
They call me douchebag,
Juicehead and gym rat
They say I'm over compensating
for lack of a tool used in mating
The gym janitor gets pissed when I won't go home
my back is breaking out, from all the testosterone
my knees are bad
my kids are mad
because I lift weights
But I won't lift them.

But I'm still better than you
Don't deny it, it's true
Nice half marathon
Did you run it, or did you jog?
I'm lost in a protein shake fog.

In your worst nightmare
I'm your trainer in your ear
I'm the asshole giving you advice
while you try to figure out a new device
I noticably flex when we speak
I get off on intimidating the meek

Because I'm better than you.