Five Websites You Should Be Wasting Your Time On, Right Now:

Hey slacker:  If you could just give me a moment of your time, please?  Unplug your buds from Pandora and take a quick look around - your boss is tucked away in his back office, diddling Solitaire for the rest of the morning?  Good.  Because I got the scoop on some websites you should be surfing instead of watching the clock til your next mandated ten minute break from your cube-based hell:

via theoatmeal.com

Site:  The Oatmeal (theoatmeal.com)

What it is:  Crude-but-funny drawings of cartoons with allegorical twists.  Everything about facts about cats and Nikola Tesla to blog posts about terrible first dates and quizzes about how many Justin Beibers you could possibly take down in a fist-fight.

Time Waste Value: Strong.  If you've never been to The Oatmeal, you could literally lose hours upon hours going thru the site's many facets.  Just try not to guffaw too loudly and alert your fellow cube dwellers.

Updates:  Semi-often.  Currently the site's creator Matt Inman is touring in support of his book (The aptly named "Five Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth"), so the updates haven't been as frequent, but that's sure to change in the near future.

Site: Eater (eater.com)

What is is: A hip food-based blog with bits of chewy pop culture morsels for you to digest.  Some fairly decent writing and topics for the food obsessed, whether you're into organic farm-raised salmon or greasy french fries left over from the previous night's shift at Wendy's.

Time Waste Value:  Good.  The blog entries are more than just a few paragraphs and there's enough recipes and videos to keep you occupied until lunch.

Updates: Daily.  So feel free to bookmark and check back often.

Site: Runner's World Magazine (runnersworld.com)

What is is:  The most comprehensive running website out there; after you've porked yourself stupid over at Eater, feel free to waddle over to RW.  Here you can get tips on your running workout, gear, music, nutrition and blogs from guys (and gals) in the know.  And it's not like that one guy in your office that bores you to death with his workout, as the site is mostly geared towards the beginner who's just getting their feet under them; you won't be over stimulated with a bunch of technical jargon.

Time Waste Value:  Decent.  If you're already subscribing to RW's magazine, a lot of the articles on the site are redundant after about a week from when you get your latest issue.  But there's enough daily updated blogs and gear search criteria to eat up an hour a day here.

Updates:  Just about daily.




Site: Listerverse (listverse.com)

What it is:  Ever wonder who the top ten worst men in military history are?  The top 15 most dangerous plants?  The top 11 animals most likely to be extinct in fifty years?  Then pop over to Listverse, a blog that carries nothing but researched lists of the most random shit on the internet.  While I think some of the information on the site might be the author's own opinion, some of the stuff is pretty interesting.  Just be aware of some of the links at the bottoms of pages; they can redirect you off site and are usually sketchy in the way of viruses and spyware.

Time Waste Value: Strong:  You could seriously end up burning hours of productivity on this site, as well as your company's computer server.

Updates: Daily.

Site:  Life Hacker (lifehacker.com)

What is is:  Granted, LH is part of Gawker media, which is like, the Kia of Journalism, but Life Hacker has just enough redeeming value to keep me coming back and checking shit out.  Want to know how to break into a zipper-locked suitcase?  LH's got a video for you.  How about job hunting tips that are outside of the box?  While the site tends to lean towards the tech-y side, even average joes can find something redeeming.

Time Waste Value: Moderate.  If you can get past any Gawker site's terrible interface and proof-reading, you can waste an hour or more here.

Updates:  Multiple times a day.

Man Court: The Case of The Over-Occupied Urinals

Order, Order, Order, Man Court is now in session, with Judge Jim presiding.  Today, we will hear arguments pertaining to the long-standing rule of Man Law that states "no two dudes shall share urinals in close proximity to one another, without at least one 'spacer' urinal between them." 

The Prosecution may start.

Prosecution:  Your honor, according to Twitter records, on March 24 of this year, it was reported that due to an over-occupied men's room, two men were forced to pee standing within close, dare I say, uncomfortable proximity to each other.  So close in fact, that two sneakers rubbed against one another. 

As men everywhere know, this is highly unacceptable behavior regarding men's room etiquette.  The long standing "Rule of Thirds" has been in existence longer than Hammurabi Code.  The rule, stating that if there are only three urinals, only two men can use them at a time, was clearly breached here on this day. 

This rule is not new, your honor, it's practically ingrained in men's brains from child birth, or at least from when they're potty trained.  You never stand so close to a man while holding your god-given junk, lest alone, to touch feet with him.  Accident or not, this type of behavior will not be tolerated in civilized environments. 

What the violator SHOULD have done was either wait for a properly spaced urinal to become available, or use one of the stalls if one were available.  Even if it was the ultra luxurious and spacious handicap stall, with it's implied guilt.  I don't care if the violator was about to piss himself, he should wait.  If he can't hold it, I think it would be far better to face the shame of pissy-pants than to actually touch another man while holding one's privates in a public bathroom.

This selfish act, your honor, caused great mental stress to my client, and he is seeking compensation for what is likely irrevocable damage to his well being.  The prosecution rests, your honor.



Defense:  Your honor, please.  I think we're all adults here, and the time to act like immature children in public settings has come and gone.  I think the so-called "victim" in this case needs to get over himself.  There's four urinals for a reason, and that reason is so that four gentleman can relieve themselves at a time, no fuss, no waiting.

Court room artist depiction of the alleged events

My client is ashamed for the contact he committed on the day in question, with his shoe, only the tip of his shoe, which was clearly a sign of his own distress.  I ask the court, do you think my client would be so bold, so uncoordinated on any regular day, at any given time?  No, his lack of so-called "etiquette" is a direct result of the urgency of the situation.

My client had drank two 20 oz bottles of the soda brand Mountain Dew, which we all know to be used as a diuretic in some parts of the world.  I'd also like to point out to the court, that my client only had ten minutes to get across campus to his next class, and had to decide between relieving his bladder and getting in a cigarette.  He was in such need physically, that it usurped his psychological need for nicotine.    

Your honor, I'd also like to cite the 2002 case of Banner v. Fryeburg Fair, in which the plaintiff's complaint centered around the use of a "trough-style" urinal on the fair grounds.  There was no barriers then, and there should not be barrier consideration here.  Your honor, I reiterate my earlier point, that there are a specific number of urinals for a reason, and that reason is plain and simple: that the urinals are used for their intended purpose, for men to relieve themselves of a full bladder, not to act as "buffers" between other insecure men.

My client is guilty of one thing, and one thing only, and that is unwanted man-on-man touching, which he is very remorseful.  I feel that his shame in this matter serves punishment enough.  The defense rests.

Judgment:  After hearing both sides of the case, and taking into consideration the aggravating and mitigating factors, I find that the defendant is guilty as charged, of the crime against Man Law pertaining to proper urinal spacing.

The facts of the case are clear, that on the given day of March 24th, 2011, the defendant entered a crowded public men's room where other men were waiting for use of the urinals.  I, as a human male, am occasionally familiar with the excessive urgency in which one needs to vacate their bladder, however, the court feels that the defendant acted in excessively reckless haste.  He also violated the long standing rule of public restroom etiquette pertaining to line cutting.  I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if he had pulled this sort of stunt at a public professional sporting event.

The defendant's reckless endangerment of other men's well-known fragile psyches further aggravates the circumstances, since no apology was uttered, even under one's breath, for the unrequested touching of feet at the urinal.  While I heed to to the defense's argument that the number of urinals is relative to the number of people allowed to use them at one time, even with the little blinders in place, I fail to recognize the lack in common sense and situational awareness exhibited by the defendant on the day of the crime.

Again, I find the defendant guilty of the crimes charged, and impose a strict sentencing of consuming two whole urinal cakes before being allowed into another public restroom again.

Tech Rumor Mill: The iPhone 5

According to IGN Apple's latest (see also: yearly) edition of the massively popular iPhone won't make it's debut until October of this year, bucking the trend of the June (see also: Father's Day) release.

IGN reports that Apple is shooting to up sales for the holiday season by avoiding the 12 month lapse in hardware updates, and is looking to releasing iPhone 6, a whole new (see also: overhauled) hand-held for June 2012. 

According to IGN's insider, who they've credited with substantiated facts in the past, especially regarding Apple's iPad technology, the iPhone 5 isn't expected to improve upon much of what's already in the iPhone 4; a new processor perhaps and that's about it.  The October release date would also usurp the other Apple trend: the release of a new iPod, which has yet to be mentioned at all.  One can maybe draw the conclusion that the iPhone 5's rumored October release could be designed to fill in the gap where a new iPod should be.

Another thought: could the iPhone 5 be the rare White iPhone 4?  Rumors continue to swirl that the legendary, rare, Siberian Tiger of iPhones is waiting in the wings.  Would Apple be so shrewd to release what is essentially an iPhone 4 with a white case as the iPhone 5?

As for consumers, the news that Apple is delaying the anticipated update is both welcoming and distressing.  For those who recently purchased an iPhone 4, you get a few extra months before feeling like you've purchased outdated technology.  For those who've been holding on to their iPhone 3GSs (like me) because you wanted to upgrade to the newest version of the iPhone, the news is frustrating.

On a personal level, I've been due for an phone upgrade from my provider for a few months, with everyone in the business telling me to wait til June, when Apple (historically) would be releasing the latest hand held device.  Now I'm being told to wait til October, when I can't wait to off-load my slow, glitchy 3GS.

Don't get me wrong, the 3GS was the balls in it's time (nearly two years ago) but as with all things tech-related, the shelf life of any gadget is roughly a year.  Liken technology to driving your car; you need to do upkeep to keep running a smooth vehicle.  You need to upgrade to stay current with available technology.

The other thing one has to consider is if the iPhone 5 is released in October, and the rumors are true about a complete revamped iPhone 6 coming out a few months later in 2012, who is going to want to upgrade to the 5?  It seems like a place holder, a "tide-me-over" that anyone will be inevitably locked into for a year.

So what's a consumer who's ready for an upgrade do?  Do you say "fuck it" and just get the iPhone 4 now, with the anticipation of the iPhone 6 being released just when you're due for another upgrade, or do you wait til October (if the rumors are true) and upgrade to the 5, knowing you'll be locked into what will essentially be outdated technology in a few months, or do you just ride out with your 3GS for another year, and deal with the frustration you're already experiencing?

Either way, Apple's holding all the cards.

The 5 Songs Radio Needs to Stop Playing

About a week or two back, I posted The 5 Acts Radio Needs to Stop Playing, which, as the title suggests, are nearly half a dozen acts that for some reason continue to get consistent airplay in my neck of the woods (results could vary for you).  This is a component piece, for just songs.  These are songs that, despite the fact that they were overplayed in their hey-days, they STILL continue to get played at least once a day on Cape Cod radio.

"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley

Admittedly, when this song first came out, it was something so new, so fun to listen to, that you couldn't help but tap your foot along with the Danger Mouse beat.  Cee-Lo's voice was so unique that I remember the 40-something office drones I used to work with when this song first was released asking ME questions about it.  "You're a 20-something," they'd start, "what's this new sound all about?"  And then I'd say something about "American Idol" and they'd nod along knowingly. 

I've never, not once, ever, watched a single episode of "American Idol" by the way.

But now, some many years after first hearing Cee-Lo screech that he must be going crazy, I too, feel the same way when this song comes on the air.  Radio DJs everywhere, please, take all the copies of this song you have down at the station, and fucking light them on fire.  Or feed them to seagulls, or whatever.  The next time I'm driving down the road and the intro bass thumping comes on, I won't be going "crazy" I'll be going homicidal. 

"Hey-Ya" by Andre 3000/Outkast

I've never liked this song, even when everyone else was "[shaking] it like a Polaroid picture."  Simply put, this song dominated summer time radio back in ... what, 2005?  I remember being in college when this cut first hit the airwaves and I knew I heard a hit, but I also knew that this song would forever be played in the lowest circle of pop culture hell for eternity. 

This song is a song that gets the most play during radio "lunch hours," little kid's birthday parties, and Zumba classes.  Andre 3000: please just keep doing the things you're really good at... your pitchy singing isn't one of them.  Schtupping Erika Badu is.

"Fly" by Sugar Ray

Would you believe me if I told you that Sugar Ray used to actually be a speed metal, hardcore Better-Than-Limp-Bizket-band in the late 1990s?  Then they put out "Fly" in like, 1997, and 14 fucking years later, I still hear this song once a day.  You know what that means?  There's kids who are younger than this song that think Mark McGrath is a huge pussy.

Didn't he like, used to race dirt bikes or something too?  Now he's a co-host on Access Hollywood, or some other TMZ-like show. 

But seriously, if I hear "Fly" again, I'll probably cut off my ears and fill in the holes with rubber cement.  You're welcome, Mario Lopez's hand puppet!

"All Star" by Smashmouth

"Some-body, once told me ...." yeah, we all know the intro words to this song, which at it's height was on hourly rotation on Vh1, long before the network gave every money hungry, no-talent, walking STD a dating show.  The portly lead singer would dance around like a human Shrek and put an L on his forehead, and we'd all smile and sing along.

But now, here in 2011, this song makes me lose an erection faster than those old Bob Dole Viagra commercials.  This song isn't even allowed at Karaoke nights in the most suburban settings, yet I hear it almost daily.  If radio thinks it's being nostalgic or maybe ironic by playing this song, I hope that God is a vengeful god, and radio set producers wake up one morning with their tongues stuck to their foreheads, in the shape of an L.

"The Impression that I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Oh ska, when will you just die?  The punky horns and growling front man of every ska band in the country wishes they could have the same radio longevity as the Bosstones, since this song is still played (in New England, at least, since the bands from Boston... get it?  Bosstones... Boston?  Ha?) on a regular basis. 

I've run out of ways to self-torture myself when this song comes on, and from a creative angle, I can't imagine what I'll do the next time this song inevitably starts playing in my truck.  Maybe I'll eat an iPod or something, to try to gain it's strength, so that I'll be able to withstand the 4+ minutes of irritable bowels I receive at the onset of the string intro of "Impression."

Hey Bosstones, I got an impression for you... my dick poking into your face.

Remember that scene in "American Psycho" where Patrick Bateman is prattling on about Huey Lewis and the News and he does that little weird dance before cleaving Jared Leto in half?  That's the kind of dancing I picture in my head when this song comes on, complete with the blade of an ax splitting my skull open all over the Real Estate section of the New York Times.

If you have any other songs that really need to stop being played with such frequency, please feel free to leave a comment below.

The Power of The 5K

I was stupid to assume that a 5K race is something to sneer at.

I was training for a marathon, I remember.  That's a true test of endurance that only a very few, select people can not only commit to, but accomplish.  And to accomplish it, for me, meant running a fast time, to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

So when I would hear about people training for a 5K... a little rinky-dink community event where there's no real "winner" just a lot of participants, I would outwardly be like "good for you!" but inwardly be like "pfft, let me know how that goes" with the eyeroll.

But I was wrong.  The 5K is a beast of a race.

It's 3.1 miles of hell.  A true test of your abilities as a runner is to see how long you can hold a sprint for.  Right now, the world record for the 5K is something retarded: like 12 minutes or something.  That's over 3 miles in 12 minutes, a runner would have to be running 4 minute mile splits, or roughly 15 mph.

That's Animal-Speed, brother.

Yes, there are those who go out to the annual local 5K and just jog it out, but I'm not one of those people.  No, I'm a competitor, I thrive on burying my opponents, ... so I want to run a really fast 5K.

As we're coming into the "running season" proper with the passing of the Boston Marathon on Monday, the local 5 and 10K circuits are going to be humming all throughout summer.  I have a few local ones already penned into my calender: the first annual Nauset 5K to benefit Nauset Schools, and the Yarmouth 5K that benefits some sort of police officer charity, both next month.

And then there's the hallowed "Beach to Beacon" 10K in Maine, in August, that I'm hoping I'll be able to compete in.  There's some sticky issues involving work.  More on that another time.

But what I'm really gunning for is taking the win, first place, at the inaugural Nauset 5K.  The Greeks were really good at describing the immortality of their heroes: you had to do something worth remembering forever. And taking first place at the first race, ever.... is as close to immortality as I can possibly get.

So I've been training at the 5K distance.  It's not a long distance by any means, and currently I'm running a 17-minute time, on a flat course.  As with all race course descriptions, the Nauset 5K is described as "mostly flat."

If you've ever run a race before, and the description says "mostly flat" expect there to be a gradual incline that's going to make you it's bitch before it makes you pay for dinner.

But the 5K is no joke, really.  While the marathon is a test of physical and cardiovascular endurance, the 5K is a test of strength.  How hard and how long can you run?  Can you run your hardest for just over 3 miles?  Because there's no pacing here, the race isn't long enough to develop a rhythm with your breathing and footfalls.  No, there's just hard running, speed, fast and slow muscle twitch, and trying to suck down enough O2 to keep your muscles from burning themselves out.

I'm really starting to love the idea of the 5K.

What to Expect When Running Your First Marathon

 We're just under a week away from the Boston Marathon, arguably the most prized endurance race in the country.  This year, over 20,000 people will be running from Hopkinton to Copley, which tends to spur people to want to run a marathon themselves.  About half of those inspired by the BM will actually go on to run a full 26.2m course.

So what can you expect?  With the Boston Marathon, everyone running it (legitimately, there are those who will "bandit" run it) has ran at least one marathon course with a "Boston Qualifying" time (the times are different for men and women of different age groups).  The Boston Marathon is the only United States Track&Field-sanctioned event that requires its entrances to "qualify" at least 9 months before the start of the race.

So the bottom line here is, if you want to run "Boston" you have to run someplace else first, and run it fast.

So what can you expect from running a marathon?  I ran my first marathon last Fall after getting a wild hair up my ass.  Previously, I had done a short triathlon "sprint" and the occassional road race (5k, 10k) in high school/college.  I had never dreamed of running a full marathon.  These are my experiences:

Before the race:

-You will lose a toenail, or two, or three.  You're going to be doing a lot of running to train your body up to be able to run consistently for over 26 miles.  In the course of this, your feet are going to take a crap-load of punishment, including the all-too-well-known-by-runners black toenails.  This is what happens when blood pools under the nail, due to frequent trauma.  Eventually, over time the nail will go dead and just fall off.  It's pretty fucking gross actually.

To combat this, get properly-fitted running shoes and socks.  Not only will this help prevent the dreaded toenails of death, but also nasty blisters and other foot injuries.  You can also treat a black toenail by trying to drain it.  A doctor's office visit can get this accomplished, or you can try to do it yourself, but just be aware of possible site infections.

-You will burn out a pair of decent running shoes.  With all the miles you're going to (hopefully) log while training, your current pair of runners will be toast before the race.  You should go out and get a new pair of shoes a few weeks before your race date and start to gradually break them in, while still running in your old shoes.  As the race gets closer, swap out the old shoes for the new shoes.  Your new shoes should have at least 50 miles on them before taking them out on race day.

-You are going to ache.  Part of training for a marathon is self-sacrifice.  Whether it's getting up extra early to get in those precious miles before (and then again after) work, or the punishment on the body, you are going to be sore in the last few weeks up to race.  Listen to your body, treat any pain or soreness seriously.  Don't feel like you have to "train thru the pain" because that's just bluddy stupid.  Knees, feet, hips... anything that takes full impact from road running are going to be sore.  Try to ice and heat problem areas and keep off your feet whenever possible (say, at night when the day is done).


-You will get stared at.  With all the mileage you're logging, expect people to be impressed with not only your appearance but your attitude.  The constant release of endorphins is going to make you a pleasant person to be around, and once you tell people what this new attitude is attributed to, you will be fawned over like a god.  And quite possibly, secretly feared.


During the race:

-You will carb-load like crazy.  The night before and the morning of, you will stuff so much bread in your mouth, you'll likely burst.  Depending on your level of fitness, how fast you run, etc, you can expect to expend about 2500-3500 calories during the race.  Taking in some protein wouldn't be a bad idea either.

-You will be thrown into a carnival-like atmosphere.  Races now-a-days, particularly marathons, are becoming more and more like roving block parties than races, as more people of different ability levels are joining in on the festivities.  You will see people dressed in costumes, vendors selling shit (outside of the expo) throngs of people laughing it up.  Hopefully this relieves some of the pre-race jitters you might feel, but it could add to them too.  It just depends on who you are, mentally.

-You will be passed.  As the race starts, you will be passed by people left and right.  Just let them go.  In turn, you will be passing people, left and right.  The point is, you're only out there racing against one person, and that's you.  As the field of runners spreads out along the course, you'll start seeing less and less people, and soon you'll feel like you're just out on another training run.

-Don't feel like you have to take water at every station.  There are going to be "comfort stations" all along the route, usually at every 5K.  They will offer everything from water and Gatorade, to bananas and bathrooms.  Taking water (I never take the Gatorade or Cytomax because whatever you take will inevitably end up on your face, and who wants to be covered in sticky shit on a long distance run?) will be a relief, but it will also make you heavy and want to pee.  Personally, I only took water at every third station, and even then it was just a sip or two before heaving my cup at the nearest waste can.  If offered water and you don't want it, just politely decline or just keep running by.  The volunteers understand.

-You will see humanity at its worst.  I'm not saying you'll witness war crimes or anything.  But you will see people pissing, puking, shitting every where.  You will (hopefully) leap over puddles of throw up, run thru a cloud of farts, and maybe even see someone collapse from fatigue.  Just try to ignore it and keep running.

-You will want to give up.  Everyone hits a wall at some point, but what's important is not giving in.  Once you stop, your race is over.  You will never regain the same stride or speed or strength.  You just have to fight thru it.  For me, my wall was at the 15th mile.  I was really considering calling it quits when I was running over a series of hills out in the middle of no where by myself.  I just had to dig in and think of something else.  I thought: I don't have 11 miles to go - I've run 15, don't quit now.  And it was enough to get me over that hump.

-You will run to the sounds of your own breath and foot falls.  A lot of UST&F-sanctioned events don't allow iPods (check with race organizers for specific rules, some do, some don't.  But most don't.).  So get used to running without the aid of your "power playlist."  Yes, you will see some racers skirting around this rule, and good for them, but when you run a marathon with just the soundtrack of nature and your fellow runners around, there's something magical about that.  Give it a try.

-In the last miles, some perky idiot in a costume will sprint past you.  But don't be alarmed, he or she is in one of the many relays your race is conducting concurrent to the marathon itself.  A lot of marathons will have these smaller events going on around the actual "big race."  Most marathons will host a half marathon, 10K, 5K and various relays.  Personally, I fucking hate these relay assholes.  Five guys dressed up like characters from the Wizard of Oz (true story) will be running along side you the entire time, only to pass to the last guy on the last series of mileage (usually a 10K a-piece) and sprint towards the end, when you're completely depleted of life and energy? That sucks.  Just ignore them, and think to yourself: I'm running 5 times greater a distance than that (literal) pack of assholes.

Post-race:

This is the look found on most finisher's faces.

-You will be disgusting.  Congratulations, you just ran your first marathon!  As a reward for your endurance and strength, you get the pleasure of looking, smelling and feeling like roadkill!  Expect to be utterly gross when you cross the line.  You'll have spit (and maybe some puke) all over your face, salt-crusted clothes, and smell like death.  I remember coming up to the finish line and seeing a green and gray haze over everything, no lie.  You'll need a solid hour-long shower, trust me.

-Treat your feet.  Yeah, you just ran a marathon, so give props to the guys who got you from point A to point B, and soak them in some epsom salt when you get home.  Relax, rub them down, try to stay off them for the next 24 hours if possible.

-The soreness will catch up to you.  You'll be flying so high off the endorphins that you won't realize how much pain your body is in for probably a day or two.  Sure, you'll be stiff and achy, but the pain won't hit til probably two days later.  Just pop some Tylenol and drink lots of water over the next week to help minimize the muscle tension.


-Your body will do some funky shit.  Running your first marathon will have adverse affects on your body that you might not be aware of right away.  Just keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary and if it lasts longer than a week or two, consult a doctor.  For me, I had trouble holding my pee (TMI, I know).  It wasn't that I was pissing myself, I just didn't get that usual, gradual urgency that I needed to go take a leak over a period of time.  Instead, I would be hit with a sudden urge and needed to find a toilet real quick.  Your body might react a similar way.

-You will want to get back out and go run ASAP.  Don't.  You need to give your body some recovery time, even if you feel "fine."  Take a week off, you earned it (along with a really calorie-high meal, greasy burger and french fries?  With a beer or nine?).  When you do start up again, take it slow and don't do any crazy mileage for your first month.  Keep an eye open for smaller, local races like 5Ks and use those to keep your edge sharp.

-Sign up for your next race.  You're now a marathoner!  After some time has passed, sign up for another race and see if you can't (if you didn't already) qualify for the holy of holies, Boston.  Check out their website for age and gender-specific qualifying times.  If you did, in fact, qualify on your first go (it's not impossible) you should be receiving something in the mail from the Boston Athletic Association within a few weeks.

They Make Yoga Pants for Men, Right?

"Do they make yoga pants for men?"  I found myself asking this as my wife and I stood next to our dryer, and she fished out a pair of tight-but-comfortable looking capris made out of sweat-material.  I was dressed in essentially my pajamas; green Nike warm ups, slightly oversized electric blue t shirt from EMS with a pair of hiking boots on it with the words "Hikers do it in the woods" - perfect for I felt at that moment: an outsider about to undertake a rather large step from his comfort zone.

Candidly, I had never thought of myself to be the type of person who would wind up sitting on a tiny, thin-ass mat in a room with other people with the lights turned on low and New Age music softly humming over the speakers, trying to push my (obscenely rigid) body into the shape of the letter "W."  While I consider myself to be an athlete, I never took yoga serious.

We had decided, earlier in the week, that we were going to try one of the free yoga classes my gym/health spa/beehive of obnoxious children provides on Saturday mornings.  This want came to mind after sitting thru a lecture on my "Health and Fitness" class regarding a person's level of flexibility and how that's relative to health concerns as they age. 

I do not want to be a bent, crippled, barely-ambulatory little old man at 40 or beyond.  With the level of punishment I put on my body with my endurance training, I need something to help keep my body from deteriorating faster than it already is (for instance, my left knee has really been bothering me lately, and I don't even want to talk about my feet... think "Baghdad 2003" and you'll have an idea.).

So yoga seemed like a fun idea.  Something new, something I could see and find benefits in.  But like anything I'm new to, I tend to be really awkward.

My wife has gone to several different yoga classes over the years, so she knew what she was doing.  The morning of, we arrived early with our mats, in order to get a "good spot" in the studio.  She started to get out of her clothes (a hoodie, uggs) and padded around the hardwood floor barefoot.  I stared down at her feet.

I had to be barefoot for this?

Like I said just a second ago, I don't like my feet.  Actually, I don't like feet, period.  But I'm really self-conscience about MY feet, because, well, their pretty gross.  While training for my marathon last summer/fall, I burnt out three toenails.  One grew back, the other two, on my two big toes, are... well, I can't think of a polite way to describe them.  It's just really gross.  Now, a bunch of strangers would have the pleasure of looking at my mangled, rotten feets (later that night, when I explained my apprehension to my wife, she looked at me and said "we were in a low-lit room, in the back, and you were worried about people seeing your feet?  Who are you?!).

We were alone for only a few minutes.  We waited out in the waiting area on the other side of the retractable studio wall and played on our phones while an all Kenny Loggins' 80's Movie Soundtrack (It's All Right, Danger Zone, Holiday Road, Foot Loose - seriously.  But I can't complain, since this happened, I've add a "Kenny Loggins" station on my Pandora) pumped from the speakers over our heads.  My gym (both locations) lately has been playing music incredibly loud, even when there are minimal people around.  It was 830am on a Saturday.  The only people in the facility were my wife and I, and two employees.

Soon tho, a few elderly-looking women came into the yoga room and we entered behind them, sitting on our mats while these "regulars" chit-chatted.  We stretched... suddenly I felt as if I was getting ready for some sort of competition; warming the body up to perform in front of other people.  To perform better, actually.

By 9am, the instructor, a woman named Jane who had to be at least 60, set the lights low, closed the doors and got everyone centered.  We all sat Indian-Style on our mats with our eyes closed, trying to focus, meditate, align chakras- whatever.  The low, New Age music played, inter-twine with the "Caddyshack" soundtrack just on the other side of the divider we were sitting next to.

Because of this, it was really hard for me to concentrate.  At one point, I was doing some sort of stretch wrong with my back and legs, much to the ire of my wife, who shot me a nasty look from her mat, as if to say "you look like an idiot, don't you know left from right?!"  Also, I was unaware I was to keep my eyes open during the class.  I spent probably 2/3s the class with my eyes shut, only taking peeks to see what everyone else was doing, because I didn't want to be doing something completely different and look anymore like an idiot.

The class went on for 90 minutes, it was soothing in parts; At one point, one of the students sneezed so hard it sounded like a scream, which jarred the shit out of me.  But my mind started to wander around the one hour mark (like an asshole, I had kept my watch on, and was taking glancing checks here and there); I started to think about the upcoming Red Sox/Yankees game, and essentially, this article.

I ended up leaving relaxed in the end, but not terribly challenged.  The largest challenge for me was the wafer-thin divider, as it blocked little-to-no-noise.  As the morning picked up for the gym, the lobby continued to grow rowdier; Kenny Loggins giving way to some assholes guffaw-ing it up hard a mere 15 feet away.

I've sort've come to the conclusion that I would like to make yoga a regular once-a-week thing to intermingle between my running and strength training workouts. 

At the same time, my fat, out of shape, 19 year old self from ten years ago (complete with his patchy-gross goatee and pizza sauce-stained t shirts) wants to kick my ass.  But then again, he never had a body like mine.

US Gov't 101 (What the Pending Government Shut Down Means for You)

So, back in my gov class, the topic du jour was this impending impasse of our central government.  What pervaded amongst the majority of the ill- or non-informed members of the class, was this fear that if congress couldn't come to a deal with the federal budget, everything would come crumbling down around us as if we were Japan.

Well, let me be the one to assure you all, that, government will still be operational even after the 12:01am deadline on Saturday.  What's going to be "shut down" will be non-essential services.

I'll give you the rhetoric that was spewed in class and dispute it with facts:

1.  Government will be non-existent, and society will crumble into a regionalized hierarchy similar to any post-apocalyptic-style film made in the last 30 years.

False!  Government will still be operational, just not at 100% (See also: the Deathstar).  As I mentioned, essential services, such as federal law enforcement agencies (the FBI, DEA, US Marshals, etc) the military and other government agencies (such as the IRS) will still be open on Monday.  These services and agencies are vital to the every day operation of our country, and therefore cannot be shut off.


2.  The Post Office will be closed indefinitely!

False!  The United States Post Office is a self-sustainable, essential service to US citizens.  That being said, any agency that is self-sustaining (meaning, it costs people money to use it, ie, buying stamps, paying for postage...) is not subject to the government's shut down, if it should occur.


3.  We don't have to file our taxes!

False!  You do, in fact, have to file if you haven't done so already.  Using the excuse "the government was out of order when I tried to file" will be looked upon as "bullshit" by the IRS.  And remember too, the federal government's impending shut down does not directly effect state-run agencies, meaning, you'll still have to file your state (and city, where applicable... Looking at you, NYC) taxes.

However, if you're filing a paper return, you can expect a possible delay in getting your check.  It's being advised that those who normally file paper returns should look into filing electronically, because the electronic dispersal of funds is not going to be affected by the looming shut down, since no humans are involved in that end of things.  People who file electronically can expect to get their tax returns on time and in good order.


4.  Does this mean I won't get my social security check?

No, as with all electronically debited funds, no human is involved in the dispersal of that money.  If you get a government check every month, from say, social security or the VA, you should be in good hands, as those checks are set up to roll on the first (or whatever day) of each month, regardless of what congress does or doesn't do.

What WILL be affected by the (probable) federal government shut down will be what are considered "non-essential" positions.  These positions include staff at federal museums (think, the guy who checks coats at the National Archive or the Library of Congress), congressional support staff (cafeteria cooks on Capital Hill), and government researchers, tho it should be noted that any medical research trials that are currently underway will continue, but no new research projects will be allowed to start.

How this will affect the military: If you, or someone you know, is in the armed services, they'll still have a job.  Although, that they're getting paid to conduct that job is up in the air at this point.  If the shut down last at least a week, service members will see a 50% reduced pay check come April 29th (usually they get paid on the 1st of each month, but May 1st is on a Sunday this year, so it reverts to the Friday previous).  If the shut out lasts longer than a week, they won't receive a check again until the impasse is corrected or their next pay period, whichever comes first.

Why that sucks, aside from the obvious reasons, is because the bulk of our armed services are young people, usually with families, who are living literally paycheck to paycheck.  What compounds things is that a lot of service members are overseas and it's the families that are forced to deal with the short comings with the pay.  Granted, pay will be retroactive to the when the shut down started, but tell that to a 22 year old mom of 3 who hasn't seen her equally young husband in 6 months because he's in the middle of a war zone.

So, in the end, there's no real reason to panic, unless you're a non-essential government employee or a military service member.  On a personal note, I find it completely ridiculous that congress is so adversarial that they would sooner face a complete shut down of federal government than "show weakness" by conceding to the other party.

It's time to grow the fuck up, boys and girls.

The 5 Acts Radio Needs to Stop Playing

Here on Cape Cod, my radio listening options are fairly limited.  We have about four or five stations that come in, and since anything you want to do on this hook-shaped island is a minimum ten minute drive in any direction, listening to the radio has become sort of a necessity.

We have a pop/Top 40 station that plays all the "hits" from like, 2002 (ie, that one P!nk song about coming out, nothing current), a classic rock station that's pretty much like any other classic rock station you would find anywhere else in America, NPR, and two alternative rock stations, one out of Boston and the other out of Providence.

So listening to these stations, I tend to hear the same five or so acts at least once a day.  This has prompted me to write this article on why these bands should be taken off the air - just for a little while at least.

 
1.  Sublime:  Back in the mid-1990s "What I Got" was a summertime-sensation.  Every where you went, you could instantly set a friendly, outdoorsy BBQ vibe.  But this was 15 years ago, and still, every day, this song gets radio airplay.  Shit, the fucking lead singer?  He's been fucking DEAD since 1996!  The band hasn't released any new material since (the two surviving members have gone on to start some ska-reggae band-thing) and continues to coast off of their self-titled third album.  Radio, please let Mr. Bradley Nowell rest in peace, because if I hear the opening cords to "Wrong Way" one more time, I'm going to bite someone in the face.



 
2.  Nirvana:  Another tragic ending to what could have been one of the greatest rock bands of all times, but again, the motherfucker died like 20 years ago!  And honestly?  Now that I think of it?  Their songs were mediocre at best when you could understand what Kurt Cobain was saying!  You know why Kurt killed himself?  He was afraid of becoming this corporate entity by "selling out" and becoming a millionaire from his art.  So... thanks for keeping the dead man's fear alive, radio.  I mean, really, is it necessary to play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" every day at 12:03, at the start of the "classic alternative lunch hour?"  No, it's not.  How about playing more of that other successful Nirvana spin-off, the Foo Fighters?



 
3.  Alice in Chains:  Every song AIC has ever done is either about heroin or heroin addiction.  Every one of their songs remind me of how bitter and disgusting Seattle is, how morose the 90's were, and how much I hate seeing plaid shirts on skinny twerps.  The only people who listen to Alice in Chains are dudes in their 40s who work at dying, locally owned record stores.  And aren't nearly all the members of AIC dead anyway?  ...From heroin overdoses?  Or was that only some of them?



 
4.  Dave Mathews Band:  I dare someone to point out a more overrated act in music today.  I hear fucking "What Would You Say" at least once a day, on any given radio station (even the classic rock one) but it feels like nine times a day.  And you know what's even worse than DMB?  Their rabid fans who will argue to the death about how awesome this band is.  DMB is exactly what the Grateful Dead were: terrible, but fans will only recognize this once they come off their salvia or lose their juggling sticks on the roof.  DMB fans: grow up a little, wash your faces, and buy a neck tie.  Woodstock is over.



 
5.  The Fray:  Admittedly, their cover of Kanye West's "Heartless" was good enough to wind up in my iTunes, but the rest of this band's mumbling catalog should be shelved in the bottom of the Fukishima reactor and buried under 50 tons of concrete.  I only hear this band's one song (the name I can't remember) every time I key over to the Top 40 station, but it's always playing.  That one song where you wish the dude singing would just speak up and use his big boy voice for five minutes?  That song.  How can anyone think an act is talented if they can't fucking HEAR what's being sung in the song?  How did you get a contract, sir?  Who did you convince to sign over millions of dollars in royalties to your warbling, Shy Ronnie voice?  Please, point him out so I can take out his knees with a cricket bat.

Any acts I missed?  Please let me know in the comments below.

Why I'll Never Go Back to Facebook

Via nymag.com

Earlier this semester, one of my professors (creative writing) asked the class, by show of hands, how many were on Facebook.  About 90% of the class had their hands up.  The only two people not with their hands up were me and this old dude whom I think is a trucker-rapist.

I've been off Facebook since about last fall, after spending nearly 5 years on the site.  The reasons for my letting go were numerous, but most significant amongst them was how much time I was wasting just sitting in front of my computer, staring at an unchanging screen, waiting for something to happen.  How much of my life had I wasted just staring at Facebook?  I mean, it was really only minutes a day, but you add those minutes up over days, months, years... it's quite significant.

So the other day, my wife inadvertently left herself logged into her Facebook on my iPad, and for the obvious journalistic research I was about to carry out, I started messing around with it.  Instantly, I remembered all the reasons why I can't stand Facebook; these memories were quite literally at my finger tips.


1. The User Interface is fucking terrible.  Facebook's UI is absolutely baffling.  For a website that see's like, a ba-jillion hits every day and has over hundreds of millions of users, you'd think the fine folks down at Palo Alto would make navigating their site just a touch easier.  Try this out:  How many clicks does it take you to see your whole friend's list from your home screen?  Try it out, I'll wait.

What'd you get?  At least like, three or four, right?  Wouldn't you think a website based around connecting to friends would be a little more intuitive regarding seeing your friends?  This is why I strongly believe that Facebook is for closet narcissists.  Everything about Facebook is about self-promotion, it's about me, me, me, me.  Fuck my friends, users say, how can I put up more pictures of the "fun times" I'm having, so other people will think I'm always out having "fun times?"

And on the subject, I recall uploading photos to be a massive pain in the balls.  You could never just upload one pic to the site without having to make a fucking album for it.  I always found it immensely easier to just upload a picture from my phone to my wall (Facebook's iPhone app was actually quite good.  So good in fact, that I had often wished that the site proper took a lesson from it), but this was problematic when I had pictures on another device, ie, my rather nice Sony Cybershot.  Mmm, I could upload a kinda grainy, lowly lit pic from my iPhone 3GS's ... 4 megapixel camera, or my 14 megapixel Sony.... to upload the pics from my Sony, I'd first have to upload them to my computer, and then sync my phone, and then upload to Facebook from my phone, because all those steps were easier than uploading to Facebook's main page from my computer.

2.  Security and Privacy on Facebook are still huge issues.  A while back, there came this sudden uproar where people who had put pictures of, and information about, themselves online, were now appalled to learn that their information was being sold and essentially used against them.  Zuckerburg and his team swooped in and patted everyone on the ass, saying that they were going to make Facebook a fucking nuclear bunker of internet security, and everyone could be rest assured that their privacy and information would no longer be at risk.

However, Facebook's team couldn't account for third party applications tethered to their site.  Everytime you saved a little piggie in Farm Wars or Mafiaville or whatever, all your information was pumped to the servers of Who-Knows-Where.  And all THIS information came out MONTHS after Facebook rearranged it's privacy policy.

Heads up kids: anything you put on the internet is free for anyone to look at.  It blows my mind that this pillar of internet logic has gone so far from people's minds in the last five years.  Do you think Facebook cares if Susan Johnson in St. Louis has her privacy settings ratcheted up to 11?  No, because they can look into anyone's site at any time, and retrieve any information they want.

How do I know this?

Facebook has a standing agreement with law enforcement agencies, under the guise of helping to locate missing children, that if an agency calls (and can rightfully identify itself usually with a faxed letter head) to request information on a particular person, Facebook will cough it up in spades so fast your head will spin.

Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, right?

Facebook and Zuckerburg do not give a shit about you.  With hundreds of millions of users, each one clicking on something every second of every day, Facebook's staff can turn around and sell those clicks to advertisers at a premium.  What the advertisers do with that data is anyone's guess, but I'm sure it's nothing like upholding the sacredness of your kegger's picture album.

People, it's all about the money.

The last component about Facebook's privacy features comes from the end users themselves.  Anyone's Facebook page can be hacked by anyone else who knows your password, and I'm thinking most of you probably use the same password for everything, and it's something relatively easy to guess, just by knowing you.  Once someone else has your Facebook password, then game over.  They can find all those incriminating, nasty, toilet-hugging photos of you and do whatever they want with them.

You know that tagged pic of you sticking your tongue down some skanky chick's throat?  Say g'bye to ever running for office.....

3.  "Friend" Obligations.  You go out, get introduced to some dude by your date, and 24 hours later you get a friend request from this guy.  You have no idea who he is, but you feel obligated to "friend" him because you (barely) met him in person.  This can go one of two ways, neither very good:  Either you have this "friend" who just sits on your feed all day, sending you bullshit-ass game requests or other annoying horseshit (find out he's a Birther with a soapbox) or you find out he's your girlfriend's ex or something else even more creepy, and you're now letting him stalk the shit out of you.

Or even better, the always awkward Aunt Request.  Your mom's sister finally gets on Facebook and sends you a friend request and what do you do?  You can't deny her; like that won't make Thanksgiving a total shit-show.

By now I'm sure college kids have developed enough tact to be able to parry Awkward Aunt Requests, but not me.  Nope, can't side step that shit to save my life.

And then you have all those people you barely were able to tolerate in real life so many years ago: people from high school you always thought were dicks (turns out, with little investigation, they're still dicks, with a cunt wife and dick children) or obnoxious co-workers you not-so-secretly wish would just stop showing up to work one day, reasons be damned.  These people send you friend requests EXPECTING you to friend them, and when you don't, out come the indignant attitudes, which leads us to....

4.  Unnecessary Facebook Drama:  "Hey, did you see what I put up on Facebook?  No?  Why not?  What do you mean you 'unfriended' me?" or "Who's that girl were you talking to back and forth on your wall?"  Etc.  Just plain bullshit drama generated by everyone being connected to Facebook.  When Facebook shit started to spill over into my real life, and led to real arguments with my wife, I was pretty much sold on the idea of getting rid of it.  But it goes further than that.

We've usurped actual real-deal communication with wall feeds and trolling people's picture albums.  I remember a time when my wife and I were both on our laptops in the living room, sitting next to each other, in dead silence because we were both talking to other people on Facebook.  That's fucked up.

People really aught to reconnect with the people around them, not ex's from five years ago, not people you never spoke to while in high school.

5.  Facebook is an enormous time suck.  You hear stories from your friends who work in offices or whatever, on how FB (as well as other social networking sites) are blocked while at work.  This is because employers were seeing significant drops in productivity during the day, because people were spending their entire days diddling Facebook.

There's this gravitational field of non-productivity that surrounds the site.  As I mentioned earlier, I would spend hours a week just staring at my news feed, waiting for changes to happen.  Since getting rid of my Facebook, I've been able to get to the gym earlier, and I spend less time sitting on my ass (which is better for you from a health perspective: people who sit all day are more prone to back and leg injuries and poor general health.  Plus you get fatter, quicker as your ass expands to mold itself into your chair, truth.).

People, you can use Facebook, ... hell, you can marry it if you want.  These are just my reasons for letting it go, and if you share any of these reasons with me, maybe this will give you pause for thought about finally giving the site the heave-ho.  I KNOW I'm better for it, really.  It was hard at first, but I got over it after a week or so.

There's a million ways to stay in touch with people you care about.  Emails, text messages, Twitter, hell, the good ol' fashion phone call is still a primary means of communication in some parts of our country.  And we're a First World Nation.

Try it out: just don't log in for a week.  Both on the site and on your phone.  See what a week does?

What's the worst that could happen?  You miss out on a campus-wide kegger?  Oh well.